DB’s North London Derby Survival Guide
As it’s been a few weeks since I last wrote, it’s not really worth going over it all here.
It’s been a decent few weeks, with some cracking results and performances, topped off with The Special One gradually becoming The Batshit Mental One. Nice.
Batshit Mental One ?
This week I’ve decided to dedicate some time to help in the battle against a terrible condition, suffered by thousands across the world, namely NLDAS; North London Derby Anxiety Syndrome.
The severity of the symptoms of NLDAS can vary slightly from person to person, but they generally go the same way.
It starts with an occasional and sudden “fluttering” in the stomach around Monday morning. As the week goes on, these flutters gradually become more frequent and less, erm, fluttery as the butterflies grow into giant flappy, bitey things gnawing away at your insides, and are often followed by a surge of what can only be described as a mix of excitement, anticipation, panic, and sheer arse clenching dread.
Indeed, by the end of the week, you’re anus will be twitching like a rabbit’s nose.
Sorry.
If you have experienced any of these symptoms this week, please read on, it might just save your life. Or your pants….
DB’s North London Derby Survival Guide
Be honest, you’re cacking your pants aren’t you?
It’s been said many times, the North London Derby is a fixture like no other.
Well, it’s probably the same as the Merseyside Derby to Liverpool and Everton fans, the Manchester Derby to fans of the Manchester clubs, or errrm….playing Fulham for Chelsea fans, but who really gives a toss about any of those?
It’s the most gut-wrenching fixture of the season for many of us, and one that you can only truly say you enjoy once you know you’re going to win it, like, say, when you’re 4-2 up at home with a minute to go…….
Oh.
The North London Derby – with the victor securing bragging rights until, well, the next one.
Each one bigger than the last one (even if it actually isn’t.)
Losing doesn’t bear thinking about, as we will have to listen to them going on like they’ve just won the league in our own backyard.
(Imagine that happening. Twice.
No wonder they’ve actually got a department there purely dedicated to making DVDs at the first opportunity……)
We won the league at White Hart Lane
In fairness, they’ve piped down a bit with the “power shift” nonsense recently, no doubt after FINALLY realising what utter c***s they were making of themselves once the wheels inevitably came off.
That bloke at the Evening Standard who does the annual interview about how “this is the year”, with a player who ends up disappearing up his own arsehole by the beginning of March, must be clinging to his job by a thread.
Anyway, here are some tips on how to treat your NLDAS symptoms……..
Try Not to Think About it
Easier said than done, this.
The thing is, you’ve probably been telling yourself not to think about it for a couple of weeks now, with things such as “Plenty of games before that lot….” going through your mind.
Of course, by reminding yourself of that for a couple of weeks, you’ve been unwittingly thinking about it for a couple of weeks longer than you needed to.
Too late to worry about that now, my advice would be to stay away from all forms of media, social or otherwise, and perhaps read a book or watch a film.
If you plump for the latter, I would recommend the cinema or Netflix, stay away from DVDs.
DVDs are for Tottenham fans.
There is the small matter of Bayern Munich away in the Champions League to take your mind off of the game, but for some reason midweek football seems to do little to quell the symptoms of NLDAS. Not sure why that is, but it always just seems to be something you want out of the way so you can focus on the derby.
This, of course, is fucking stupid; you’ve been telling yourself not to think about it for a couple of weeks, which has actually ended up keeping your mind on it for a couple of weeks, now you want to get another game out of the way so you can focus on a game you’ve been trying not to think about for a couple of weeks.
This is due to go out the day after that game, and no doubt you’ll all be arguing amongst yourselves about something anyway so I’m sure that’ll pass a bit of time.
Still, it’s not like winning games stops people bickering anyway is it?
In fact, as I write, news has come through that Hector Bellerin is injured, so no doubt the debate as to whether it’s feasible to have eight hundred players on the books that can play on the right of the pitch will rage on for now.
Don’t give it the big ‘un
Doing this could potentially ruin your life.
Forever.
By all means make your hatred and utter disdain for that lot known, but start mouthing off prematurely and you’re opening yourself up to years of abuse, especially if you do so via Social Media.
We could beat Tottenham home and away for the next ten years, but you can be sure there will be some sad little shit living with his parents ready to dig out your “we’re gonna smash Tottenham on Sunday” tweet from his favourites quicker than you can say “wanksock” should they beat us eleven years from now.
Also, giving it large before a game often results in losing said game, so keep it shut or it’ll be your fault.
Plus, keeping it zipped until after the game should we beat them makes it all the more satisfying when you let it out afterwards. Like when you’ve been holding a fart in when you have company and let it out when they leave; it might be painful, but ultimately you enjoy it more and there’s less chance of embarrassing yourself.
You Hate Tottenham and you Hate Tottenham
This really shouldn’t need to be pointed out but, due to the world we live in, it apparently does.
I’ve seen recently the question asked “do you hate Chelsea more than Tottenham now?”
Firstly, let’s get this straight; the (polite) answer is NO.
Now, I understand the hatred towards Chelsea; the club is rotten to the core and deserves destroying with fire, and I also understand that some of our younger fans might not understand the hatred for Tottenham as much as my generation and beyond do, due as much as anything to the fact that they’ve been a bit, well, shit for a while now.
So for those of you, who have ever asked that question, let me clear it up for you;
You are an Arsenal supporter, and you hate Tottenham Hotspur more than you could ever hate a football club.
You hate the club, you hate the players, you hate the fans, you hate the fucking tea-lady.
You hate them so much that you laugh at kids in their crowd crying when they lose.
There is no point trying to apply any rhyme or reason to this, it’s just the way it is. It’s ingrained into you as an Arsenal supporter, and some of us have put a damn good shift in making sure this is the case.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
There you go, I don’t often preach here if I can help it, but there you go.
So, there it is. I’m sure people have their own ways of dealing with it, but those three steps should help you on your way.
Right, that’s your lot for now.
Due to time restrictions, I have no idea what happened in the Bayern game. If we lost and / or came away from Munich with half of the squads limbs held on by gaffer tape, I hope that this has taken your mind off of it.
If we won, time to focus on the North London Derby, and I hope that these 1,378 words focusing on the North London Derby has taken your mind off of the North London Derby.
Until next time then, enjoy the North London Derby….
Up The Arsenal
Islington born and bred, Arsenal through and through.
Published author.
Is Yours Gold? The Arsenal Invincibles Twentieth Anniversary – available now,
Over Land and Sea (and Lockdown), Arsenal 20/21 – The Corona Diaires – released 2021.
Clickbait: Life as a Modern Football Fan – released 2019
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