Ye Kingdom of Arsenal

Once upon a time there was a Mighty Kingdom called Arsenal and the Ruler of this Kingdom was a Nobleman called Peter of Hill-Wood.

Peter had a great Army who wore Red and his army were a great Army.

The Red Army battled valiantly to uphold the ethics and good that the Kingdom was founded on many years ago in the South of London and these values helped the Kingdom grow, in fact, the Kingdom grew so successful that it was forced to expand and finally relocate to the barren Lands to the North, which was home to a rather noisy underdeveloped Kingdom known as Tottenham with a ragtag band of Soldiers Known then as the Lillywhites. 

Through the years the Red Army won many battles and helped to keep the loyal subjects of Arsenal happy. Battles were fought with many won and a few lost. Many Commanders and foot soldiers were etched into history with tales of bravery, skill and commitment. A complete opposite to the neighbours Tottenham who were poor and desperate.

Loyal subjects would tell their children tales of old, children would be sit open eyed as they heard stories of when Commander Chapmen led his team to victory over all enemies before him, the time that Bertie of Mee won two major battles in the 70’s or when

Commander Graham bravely took his Army North to the town of Scouse, where he slayed the enemy in front of its own people. But of all the stories, the children’s favourite tale was that of recent times when a dashing French Commander arrived from the Land of the Rising Sun.

He was handpicked by Peter of Hill-Wood’s most trusted advisor – David of Dein – and his name was Arsene and this bespecled leader became a great Commander.

His arrival in the Kingdom was at a time when the Kingdom had lost its way & the loyal subjects were down, the previous Commander was Rioch the Bruce and he ruled with an iron fist, however this was not to the liking of the Soldiers and there was distain in the ranks. The Army was losing battles, so a change was needed.

This duly came & with the new guard came fine continental soldiers in the shape of Patrick of Senegal and Little Emmanuelle. This set about a change in the Army and soon a new Gard called Remy joined (although this was most probably as translator). The new Guard (Not Gard) were embraced by the current bastion & soon the Army reaped its rewards.

Under Rioch the Bruce some of the Army had lost its way choosing to drink Ale rather than sharpen its fighting skills, but soon under Arsene’s wing the Army became one & conquered all around. Knights clambered to join with legends being made. Famous battles won and everything was wonderful. The army were invincible. 

Then one day a dark shadow was cast across the land…. It was from the Caspian Sea and it came in the shape of a Simple looking man. This man was called Roman and he descended upon the country showering gifts of Gold and Silver and other fancy stuff. He coveted what the mighty Kingdom of Arsenal had, and set about stealing it. He started by acosting a young soldier called Ashley and even tried to buy the bravest soldier Henry XXIV and the great commander Arsene himself with promises of wealth, however a men of honour, both Henry and Arsene said no choosing to stay with the beloved Kingdom.

Unfortunately Romans arrival led to other foreign invaders coming to seek glory and rewards from the green meadows of England, A Randy man from the Wild West came and bought a Villa in the Midlands, as did a Family from the USA who sounded like they made Glass and owed money to many, But the biggest and richest invaders came in the form of the Oil rich barons of Persia, they made Roman look simple (Not hard) and poor by comparison. And rather than wage war with their own soldiers they instead hired mercenaries to defect from their own Kingdoms and join their ranks….. Peter of Hill Wood was facing a real dilemma, for years ago he had fallen out with his trusted advisor David of Dein and was now being advised by Ivan of Nike, he was different to David as he purely thought about keeping the majority of the riches that the Red Army had plundered. 

However all was not lost it seemed as like the Villa in Aston & the Red Devils in the North help had seemingly arrived in the shape of a Moustachioed Prince from the West called Samuel, he was the ruler (or rather married to the heiress) of a great Wall of Mart and surely he would be our saviour who promised riches to the Soldiers in return for their loyalty and bravery. 

There was also a fat man from the East who also coveted what the Red Army had & he peacefully tried to give us his riches in an effort to help conquer all before us. However due to Peter of Hill-Wood and his advisors preference, the Kingdom of Red chose the one with the hairy lip and this seemed to be a huge mistake for he was of the same thinking as Ivan the terrible in keeping the riches and stifling the development and strength of the Red Army. It was at this point that the great Knight RVP who had slain many the years before chose to move away from the Kingdom, leaving only it would appear the women and children behind…. 

So what happened next?

I guess we’ll have to wait and see….

Mark Slatford



One Response to Ye Kingdom of Arsenal

  1. footaholic July 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

    I thought this was well written. Abosultely brilliant, except for the last paragraph. You're clearly one of many Arsenal fans that would rather we became a kingdom of pimps and whores than remaining an honourable beacon of justice.
    Allow me edit the last paragraph:
    “The fat man is a Trojan horse that stirs up the unlearned citizens of the Kingdom against their long-serving council. He promises jewels and domination in an attempt to conquer the historical kingdom of Arsenal and rename it Usmanostan. The usurper would discard the noble precepts of the old kingdom and raise his own army of mercenaries. He will conquer all before him but those under his rule will bear a great burden of shame. He will continue to do so making the kingdom a source throughout the land until such a time when he returns back to the East, from whence he came. The mighty army of mercenaries will abondon their posts, leaving the old Kingdom an unrecognizable ruin of its former self, and its inhabitants starving paupers.”

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