What does the future hold for Arsenal, transfers, Tom Huddlestone and Wayne Rooney?

“Time heals what reason cannot.” – Seneca.

How true. A few things got me thinking about Time recently. The rumoured reforming of Monty Python, and Brian Cox.

Jaysus, with the lack of originality around these days, most people unable to think a little bit outside the box, the re-formed bands, The Stone Roses on tour in N. Korea, Zeppelin, the return of Catchphrase to our TV’s, Family fortunes, etc. it feels like the 70’s or 80’s again.

I was watching a programme on TV the other night, The Dr. Who special, with that Brian Cox fella, ye know the lad, Yogi Leuw’s long lost brother.

Brian Cox

Yogi Leuw

I have to say it was very very interesting. He looked at the Science of time travel, the reality, and the possibilities or lack of possibilities of it happening. I have to give the guy credit, he can take a really interesting subject, break it down technically, which normally makes it boring, but instead he makes it really really interesting. Maybe Spurs should sign him up. (BOOM BOOM).

But on thinking of time, and the passing of it, it made me have a quick glance into the past, not the distant past, only about three months ago, to be honest. I actually glanced back at early/late August, the time when it broke that we’d the possibility of signing Luis Gustavo, and the megatronic shit-storm that the so called failure caused. It made me chuckle if I’m honest, The ITK’s lost it, The Football Manager players lost it, and the financial Twitter experts lost it. Shite everywhere. Yes, we still had Mikel Arteta, but that didn’t matter to them. Flamini hadn’t appeared on the scene yet, haha and that caused another one of these great shitty Vortex’s too, comical really. Fast forward a few weeks, and the same fuckbag’s are cooly claiming they never really rated Gustavo, that Arteta is a demi-god and Mathieu Flamini is the 2nd coming of Christ. I wish like Cox, some people would finally learn something. “Time”, give our very own professor Time, he always comes up trumps. I bring this up now, as I’ve noticed that on Twitter, the January transfer window seems to have started already. (like I’ve said, some fuckers will never learn.)

You see, in the space of two days, with the signing of Mesut Ozil we went from being attacked by a meteor shower of shite to a lovely calm milky way, but already, two months away from January the Transfer Black Hole seems to have been brought forward, opened early, almost as if there’s a tardis full of Journalists, ITK’s, and all round general gobshiteswho have jumped forward in time, skipped Christmas, and landed on the 1st of January 2014 already. So how can these Cretins do it, but Brian Cox can’t…I had to investigate.

It didn’t take too long to discover how they were doing it. While sitting on the toilet (too much info), I was browsing the latest IKEA catalogue, and there it was. A pre-pack Time-Travel machine, designed by Youssef Kroelinng…. Fucking Swedes! Amazing! I just hope there isn’t the inevitable screw missing when you’ve finished putting it together. I’m sure Ibrahimovic had something to do it, probably with a helping hand from our own Nicky Bendtner. (I know he’s not Swedish, but his heads up in the Stratosphere at the best of times, so why not?)


 “I know I can fly, up, up and away.”

So! Up to IKEA, type in a product code longer than one of Cox’s equations, and off I go, with the 700 pieces I need to make my Time Machine… The assembly took Time, lots of Time, pity I couldn’t go forward to when I had it finished, but I hadn’t got it finished yet, so …… aaarrggh , see Science can be confusing.

Anyway, during assembly I put a cup of coffee down on a part of the screen where the dates are set, and appear, so I just got left with a forwards and backward button, and a button to get me back to exactly where I’d started…..FECK IT….It’s enough to work with.. So, off I go – WHOOOOOOSH.

The Future, sometime, as I say I’m not sure. What’s been happening? Well first up Tom Huddlestone made a promise back in 2013, not to cut his hair until he scored a goal again, and look there he is, he just drove passed me.

chewbacca dog Tom Huddlestone

Jeez, get me out of here, WHOOOOOSH…..

Phew, what’s happening here? Football has eaten itself alive, players wages have killed most clubs, along with the extortionate ticket prices, so much so that only the well run clubs have survived intact, and still resemble a club, managing to hold onto their grounds and some players. Hahaha, it’s sad but funny to look at, Liverpool, Chelsea and Spurs are playing their home games either in a local park or in the car park of Sainsbury’s… Spurs were actually moved on by the cops during a Europa league tie, for making noise and smashing Mrs. Foley’s window in no. 27.

Abramovich got pissed off with The Chav’s quite a few years back, and fecked off leaving nothing but a pile of unsettled law suits for players to deal with, ranging from chip-shop assaults to misdemeanours with minor’s, and firearms offences at their training ground. Wait a minute did I go back to 2013. He took all his money with him when he left, but luckily laws have been passed by government, banning football players from being well groomed, waxed or from carrying only a tiny washbag on their arm while arriving to training  – the punishment is death, by any form. So Chelsea managed to survive by selling off their players’ beauty salon, and the year’s supplies of wax, hair gel and anti-aging creams that they’ve been using at the former Stamford Bridge for years.

WHOOOOOSH…. Forward – Jaysus, there’s Tom Huddlestone again, he’s aging well –

tom huddles

Tom Huddlestone – “Please gaffer, can I take some penalties, pretty please, beyond a joke now.”

WHOOOOOOOOSH – Feck’s sake, this cryogenics shit must’ve worked in the end, Alan Hansen is still on TV, looks like he’s outlived the rest of The Sunday Supplement crew.

WHOOSH – Oh Jaysus, other walks of life have started copying football and spending obscene amounts of money transferring people from country to country, and making their companies and bankrupt but making very very rich people out of a pack of hams. A good postman can make up to 250,000 a week now, and even holds onto his image rights. Spain are producing the best ones, and even though they can’t read or speak English, and end up putting post everywhere bar the right place, they get paid 200k p/w and do their rounds in a camouflage Bentley. Man Utd postbags can be seen over people’s shoulders from Mozambique to Mogadishu. There’s even postmen making crazy money for sitting in studio’s and commenting on other postmen’s technique, even your man off Eastenders made millions and he wasn’t even a postman, and don’t get me started on the Milkmen.

WHOOOSH – Tom Huddlestone scored a goal on the day of his 46th birthday. He was in the process of finally getting his haircut, when he received a call saying it was taken away from him by the dubious goals panel, he’s looking well considering it’s only half done.


WHOOOSH – Wayne Rooney is now working in a newsagents, Coleen fecked off years ago, after he’s blown all his money on buying grannies and stockpiles of pissy brown tights and see threw anoraks. He’s found love though, which is good, and realised finally after TIME that money doesn’t buy you happiness.

Rooney Shrek

WHOOSH – enough, enough, back to November 2013 quickly.

There you go, the future is strange. Time really does change everything. Sometimes for the bad, but most definitely sometimes for the good. So when January finally arrives, and folks it’s six weeks away, and as I’ve shown, there’s no rush to get to the future, please be patient and let our Professor do his thing, without blowing a gasket in the meantime. Let him work on his equations and wait, give us all some peace.

I’m off now to celebrate our first league title in nine years…….oooops, I mean to read Dennis’ book, (sorry if I spoiled it.)

Til the future. #UTA.

John Woods

P.S. – Brian Cox has a lot to answer for, and if I knew a way to change the past while I was in the future, I would’ve stood on three bugs and hope that Pee’s Morgan and Ant and Dec never existed.

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