PICTURES: Arsene Wenger scoops bizarre Brazil award, while the Arsenal kids win the World Cup

I haven’t written in a while, what with the World Cup and Wimbledon, and that thing called summer, and the Twitter twats that it brings along with its long days, sunshine and cider.

Now that I try to write something, I realise just how much I’ve been drinking, due to having so much football on, starting at 5 and ending at 1 every night, multiplied by the fact that I start work early. So forgive me if my head is a mush. Especially, as the reality has really hit home today (Monday) as I realise that we’re left with a choice of Countryfile building a fucking beehive or Rio in Rio – a program where a tall rich duck billed platypus wearing young teenagers clothes shows us videos of his time in Brazil, being the closest thing that we have to sport.

So to try and get my brain working again, I’m going back through my favourites and re-tweets, to try and jigsaw it all together again, and sure maybe a few awards thrown in.

Before I go on, just want to say, I’m happy as a pig in shit about the Alexis Sanchez signing, can say no more really, that hasn’t been said by others over and over again already – well, maybe a bit more later.

Well they say it’s been the greatest World Cup ever; possibly. No doubt it’s been more even than others. Very entertaining? Yes, no doubt. A few glimpses of world class? No doubt, but when you consider that teams in World Cups past used to have four or five world class players per team, then you see why I question the “best ever” statement.

• Millionaires refusing to board planes until they received their 60k qualifying bonus’ – sickening.
• Or kissing their wedges of cash, after they threatened to strike – sickening.
• Seeing Glenn Hoddles camel toe live on ITV – sickening.
• Realising the party Ireland could’ve had if we’d got there – sickening.
• The death of Rik Mayal – saddening.
• Receiving a tweet from Gilberto Silva – amazing.
• James Rodriguez – likewise.
• The support, the colour, the beautiful fans – amazing.
• 
• The over-the-top criticism of Ozil from the media – sickening.
• The over-the-top defending of Arsenal fans towards Ozil – Likewise, almost nauseating.
• The style or lack of it from Brazil – shocking.
• The little countries kicking ass – joyful.

So you see, there’s always two sides to it. Undoubtedly an amazing tournament, but a lot of bullshit went along with it too. But one thing’s for sure, it will be missed, for as now there’s nothing to pre-occupy the minds of the transfer window whores.

One thing that has really come to the fore is just how childish a place this Twitter can be. One of the points above about the Ozil Defence Brigade, it’s become ridiculous. If I watch a match, and think he has played shit, I’m entitled to say, “Jesus, Ozil wasn’t at the races tonight”, or “Ozil wasn’t his usual self”, or “Ozil was piss poor there.” I or others aren’t saying he’s shit. I or others aren’t saying he’s a waste of money, just saying that on the previous 90 minutes of my life spent watching a game of football involving Germany, not Arsenal that the man was cack. I shouldn’t then be faced with an onslaught that only Benjamin Netanyahu, Bono or Hannibal and his team of A’s could stop.

For the love of god, it’s sport. The man is brilliant, but not every minute of every game of his fucking life, catch a grip. For me Ozil is a Rolls Royce – elegant and sublime, but they can break down too at times. We all like a cup of tea, for me Ozil is not only a cup of tea, but a tasty lump of freshly made apple tart and ice-cream on top, but tea can be made pissy sometimes, and we all know a bad tart.

Youngsters used to have to stand out in bright sunlight to find their first pube, now they just skip the whole puberty lark, sign up to Twitter and pretend to be older than they are. I’m convinced this is the case, for ITK muppets apart, some of the cack I’ve seen of late screams play school.

The whole, “We’ve got three players in the World Cup final, nah nah nee nah nah”, “Our team’s better than yours then” shite. Okay, some are taking the piss, and it’s obvious when they are, but some are most definitely genuine. Don’t get me wrong I’m delighted for the lads, and I’m sure it will benefit us, the confidence that they get from it, but come on. Calm the fuck down and relax the cacks a little.

All I’m waiting to see is the ”We had more players than you in the World Cup Pepsi advert, so we’ll finish ahead of you next season.” Sounds ridiculous? You bet, but it isn’t too far away from the other shite.

We mock Liverpool for being a defensive cult, and we’ve slagged of West Ham for the “We won the World Cup in ‘66” malarkey, well watch out, you’re heading down the same slippery slope, lord knows what shite WE’D come out with if we had % European Cups in our history.

Anyway, you’d think I didn’t enjoy the last month of football, well you’d be wrong. I’ve loved every minute, well maybe apart from Nigeria v Algeria, otherwise, what a pleasure it has been. So here are a few of my favourite moments/awards for World Cup 2014.

Best Goalkeeper –

Undoubtedly it’s been the man mountain Manuel Neuer, but that’s too predictable, and he wouldn’t enjoy it anyway, would just look confusingly at the award like any other android who didn’t have it programmed into its memory. Instead, I’ll go for Tim Howard, just for that performance against The Belgians.

Favourite Tweet of the World Cup –

@ArsenalShorts: “Rio Ferdinand with your face like a starving turtle, your lip like a nervous wave.”

Hahaha, classic.

So halfway through the tournament, the kids lost their shit again. As Liverpool, Chelsea, United and City spent money, left, right and centre, Mr. Wenger was relaxing on the beach, playing a little bit of beach football tennis, playin with de bitchas, and all that jazz. Give me strength. The man gives 360 days a year to us, give him and the rest of us a break. The calm and level headed realised something else though –isn’t that man relaxed, he knows something we don’t know… And boy did he.

So as ever, let the maestro play when he wants to play, work when he wants to work, well, because, even when he’s playing, his work is being done anyway. That brings me nicely onto my next award.

Misses of the World Cup –

I would love to give it to Gonzalo Higuain for the chance in the final, or to Wayne Rooney for missing that header from 0.6 inches against Uruguay. But for me Misses of the World Cup, or more like The Missus of the World Cup goes to, our gaffer:

Then we get the big debate on what went wrong, as soon as England went out, how can it be improved for the future. The usual conclusion at this stage. The best idea I saw was to stop the English players from getting covered from head to toe in ridiculous tattoos as soon as they get their first contracts, for a start.

For me it’s those contracts that might have something to do with it. These kids are being handed crazy money at the age of 16 or 17, they are then like rock stars, and think they have got there/made it and then stagnate. If they think they’re rock stars, then don’t be surprised that they act like rock stars, and we all know you won’t be a top footballer with a rock star’s lifestyle. They just seem to get to a level and stay there. Proof being, Alan Shearer, Gary Lineker and co. got a masterclass on how to be an eloquent, humorous, tactically aware, well-spoken pundit from Thierry Henry for a week. At the end of that week, did it rub off on them? Did they improve? Nope, not a fecking bit of it.

That brings me onto the TV coverage. As a tweet from @AFC_GLEN pointed out –

“We get Adrian Chiles and Italians get this. It’s not just on the field that they beat us.”

Not wrong there mate.

I must say the ITV effort was terrible, a couple of IKEA garden tables and Glenn Hoddle squeezing his bollocks in our faces through flesh coloured shorts…..no thank you… BBC was tired, in the studio anyway, and with Lawro on co-commentary, pathetic as usual, thought their montages and extra bits were very good.

I’m not going to even compare the two to the Irish coverage which is hilarious, pure, pure entertainment. Comparing them would be totally unfair if I’m honest. But all three beat the shite out of Sky showing photograph’s of people watching games, haha – good enough for them, dirt, and good enough for the tramps. Having no rights to show anything, they were left showing stuff like this –

I said I’d say just a little bit, re. Sanchez. Liverpool supporters are way off the mark when they say he chose us because we were in London. Alexis has severe OCD, since he grew up in such poverty, he takes great pride in a clean house, the OCD part is the fact that he likes his bins clean also, as they have such a link to the clean house bit, the clincher though, was the fact that he also likes his bins PRIVATE. That fucked them up.

We’ve seen the coming of the new kit. After an initial immediate hatred of it, it’s definitely grown on me, apart from the badge. After hearing the figures involved in agreeing the kit deal, I thought they could do better than a lick on, stick on tattoo as a crest ffs.

Anyway, I’ve kept you all long enough, there are rumours to get back to, and I’ll leave you as Christ left Rio, another classic meme from the aftermath of Brazils 7-1 hammering from Germany, with the headline , “Fuck this, I’m out of here, see ye for the Olympics.”

PS, I couldn’t leave without returning to the one thing that truly made me piss myself laughing during this world cup – “The English Pirlo”

Until the future, and go easy on those ITK’s, they’re only kids after all.

#UTA.

John Woods

Follow @woodysirish

John Woods

I’m a 37 yr old Irish Gunner, and have been for 27-28 years now….

(Really 20, but trapped in a 37 yr olds body)..

Answer to ‘Woody’, as normally when ‘John’ is used, it means I’m in trouble for something..

I took my time deciding, didn’t follow the mainstream, and definitely chose wisely…

I let the club choose me, and didn’t let other people’s views or successes choose my club for me..

Seen the good times, the great times and the bad and really bad…

And strangely, enjoyed all of them, as you can only relish the good and great after you taste the bad…

Thats why I try to keep on the level-headed side of things, when things don’t go our way,

as it’ll make the successes all the sweeter when they arrive…

… and they WILL arrive…