- In a hastily arranged press conference held somewhere between PGMOL HQ and Howard Webb’s safe room, the FA unveiled its boldest reform yet: a package of emergency laws specifically designed to prevent Arsenal from winning football matches via set pieces and, even worse, taking their time over them.
“Enough is enough,” sighed one FA official, gently stroking a framed photo of the 2007–08 Manchester United side. “When we talked about cracking down on time‑wasting, we clearly meant goalkeepers standing over the ball for 30 seconds at 0–0, not Arsenal actually planning things from corners.”
The catalyst for this rule change is Arsenal’s despicable run of competence from dead‑ball situations. Set pieces used to be that harmless bit of the game where Granit Xhaka hit the first man and everyone checked their phones. Now? Now they’re a weapon.
So far this season, Arsenal have scored more set‑piece goals than any other side in Europe’s big leagues, with around a third of their Premier League goals coming from dead balls and own goals trembling under pressure. This is, of course, unacceptable behaviour. “We cannot stand by and watch Arsenal become the most set‑piece‑reliant champions in Premier League history,” explained one anonymous rival manager, definitely not from Manchester.
New Law 1: Corners Must Be Crap Again
Under the new Laws of the Game (Arsenal Edition), any corner that looks “too rehearsed” will be automatically disallowed.
Key provisions include:
- All Arsenal corners must now be inswingers delivered with the weaker foot, taken while looking wistfully at the halfway line.
- Any run‑up involving more than two players switching positions will trigger an indirect free‑kick to the opposition for “excessive competence”.
- If a delivery actually beats the first man, VAR will check for “unnatural trajectory”.
“We grew up on Arsenal floating pointless corners to nobody,” said a nostalgic pundit on a certain UK radio broadcaster. “This new data‑driven, back‑post, block‑run nonsense is ruining the soul of the game.”
New Law 2: Arteta-Time
The FA has already ordered referees to be stricter on time‑wasting, with cards flying out for any “clear and impactful actions” that delay restarts. But this didn’t fully address the true menace: Arsenal daring to wait for their centre‑backs to jog into the box before taking a corner.
In response to complaints that Arsenal’s clever dead‑ball routines are apparently draining 85 minutes of effective game time, the FA has introduced Arsenal‑specific timing rules.
- Arsenal have a maximum of 1.5 seconds between placing the ball and kicking it.
- If any player so much as points at a teammate during a set piece, it counts as “instructional time‑wasting” and earns a yellow card.
- Should Jover, Heinze or Arteta attempt to shout, gesture, or breathe deeply while a corner is being set up, the kick is reversed and awarded to the opposition for “coaching in the box”.
New Law 3: Set‑Piece VAR – Visual Arsenal Reduction
To further protect the viewing public from the horror of efficient Arsenal dead balls, a new technology has been unveiled: Set‑Piece VAR (Visual Arsenal Reduction).
How it works:
If Arsenal score from a set piece, VAR automatically checks for “vibes‑based infringements”, including but not limited to:
- Too many players attacking the ball.
- An unacceptable level of coordination between the taker and the near‑post runner.
- Gabriel winning more than two headers in a 10‑minute spell.
If any of these are present, the goal is chalked off for “unsporting organisation”.
One broadcaster insider was thrilled: “Every extra minute of VAR delay means three extra betting adverts and at least four slow‑mo replays of someone lightly touching someone else’s shirt. Honestly, it’s a win‑win.”
Reaction From Around the League
An un-named coach from a south coast team: “I just think it’s important to protect the game from teams who train on set pieces. We don’t do that here. We respect the chaos.”
An anonymous pundit from Manchester : “You have to admit, there’s something a bit ugly about scoring from corners. Unless it’s us. Then it’s character.”
The latest ex ref to get a job with Sky Sports: “Look, refs already had instructions to card players for time‑wasting and dissent more aggressively. Adding ‘being Arsenal’ to the list isn’t a massive leap.”
Arteta’s Response: Arteta Ball Will Adapt
Mikel Arteta has reportedly instructed his analysts to prepare for an era where set‑piece excellence is basically a yellow‑card offence. Training sessions will now include emergency drills such as:
- “How to Pretend You Haven’t Practised This Routine 200 Times.”
- “Looking Confused at Corners 101.”
- “Low‑Block Set‑Piece Defence: Coping With the Opponent Being Allowed to Do What We Can’t.”
Football Fair Play Under Attack
In the end, this is what modern football is all about: optics. Arsenal getting good at set pieces is apparently a threat to the spectacle, whereas 15 minutes of VAR lines and 12 yellow cards for goalkeepers holding the ball one second too long are wholesome, fan‑first reforms.
Expected Future Rule Changes
As the season rolls on and Arsenal continue to find clever ways to score from the unsexiest parts of the game, don’t be surprised if the FA’s next law change is even simpler:
“All goals scored by Arsenal from any situation are subject to review on the grounds that they make some people uncomfortable.”
Until then, enjoy every near‑post flick‑on and back‑post tap‑in while you still can. The way things are going, the only legal Arsenal goal by 2027 will be a scuffed 30‑yarder that deflects off three defenders, the linesman, and an advertising board before trickling in at 0.03 xG.
English by birth, Australian by choice. Traffic Engineer, Arsenal ST Holder, Sun DreamTeam Winner, Writer on @GunnersTown, Depeche Mode, Welcome to my world…
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