(more…) Steve WellmanEnglish by birth, Australian by choice. Traffic Engineer, Arsenal ST Holder, Sun DreamTeam Winner, Writer on @GunnersTown, Depeche Mode, Welcome to my world…
Author Archive | Steve Wellman
Breaking: FA Introduces Revolutionary New Rules to Stop The Arsenals Continuing Dark Arts
In a hastily arranged press conference held somewhere between PGMOL HQ and Howard Webb’s safe room, the FA unveiled its boldest reform yet: a package of emergency laws specifically designed to prevent Arsenal from winning football matches via set pieces and, even worse, taking their time over them. “Enough is enough,” sighed one FA official, […]
Arsenal Celebrate St. Totteringham’s Day on March 1st. Scientists Confirm It’s Still Winter
In a development that statisticians are describing as “FRANKly offensive to Tottenham Hotspur,” Arsenal have secured St Totteringham’s Day on 1 March 2026, the earliest North London coronation since the tradition took shape over a century ago. Historians of the rivalry note that this is the latest twist in a feud that has bubbled since […]
Manchester goes pearl diving over Martinelli
Oh the irony, Manure pundits are clutching their pearls and calling for Martinelli to be hung, drawn and quartered, and put on spikes at The Tower for all to see. The game was littered with gamesmanship on both sides. Both sets of players were going down ‘injured’ to break up momentum. Gabi wasn’t aware of […]
Arsenal’s Heroic Decision To Lose To Aston Villa Ensures Manchester City’s Continued Struggle With Trophy Storage Continues (Satire)
In an act of selfless generosity to football’s most vulnerable oil-backed institution, Arsenal bravely lost to Aston Villa, officially confirming that Manchester City are, unfortunately, champions again. Experts have described Arsenal’s performance as “a decisive intervention to protect City from the emotional hardship of finishing second.” Club insiders confirmed that Arsenal’s 1/3 of a season-long […]
A Day In The Life of ‘Arry The Spud Aged 33 1/3 (A Parody of A Middlesex Man)
Based on a true parody, updated from the original 2017 parody. Names have been changed to protect the guilty!! Something to lighten mood before the serious business at 4.30 Sunday afternoon or 3.30 Monday morning, depending on your view. Saturday 7.30am ‘Arry the Spud’s alarm clock kicks in to TalkShite’s daily breakfast phone in ‘Why […]
Arsenal 1 – Chelsea 1 – VAR 2
56,500 were in attendance to the only recorded moment in history when fans, management and players pleaded for VAR to be clear and obvious. At mid-day, deep in the control room at Stockley Park, a lonely VAR official put on his headset,and settled in for his afternoon shift. Chelski went 1-0 up after 9 minutes […]
Arsenal 2–0 Brighton/Burnley: Another Win, But Did Someone Hide the Set-Piece Playbook? #JoverBall
Arsenal beat Brighton 2–0 at the Emirates, and eventually, it was the kind of calm, confident performance that makes you start Googling “how to emotionally prepare for a possible title run.” Goals? Delicious. Possession? Dominant. Brighton? To the most part, harmless. But let’s address the glaring issue: no set-piece goals. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Has Nicolas […]
The Glitch in the Arsenal Matrix is Resolved
And so we are back to normal programming, everything is right with the world, Neo took the correct pill and the system has been rebooted. Gary Neville has toed the party line and laid into Arsenal’s set-piece coach, Nicolas Jover, again: (Sky Sports) “I called him the most annoying man in football recently and I’m […]
A Glitch in the Arsenal Matrix
Laurence Fishburne visited me last night and I think I took the wrong pill. (Photo credit:Warner Bros) When I woke this morning everything was wrong. Everything I read was wrong, Everything I saw was wrong. It was like everyone else wasn’t following their programming. Ex United and Chelsea players were saying complementary things about Arsenal!!!! […]