Gunners Town Essential Guide to Surviving Transfer Window

Week Four – 33 Sleeps to Go…

That number
of sleeps is going down quite quickly isn’t it? I don’t know about you, but the
lower that number gets, the more excited I get.

I still look at it as the
number of sleeps until I get to go and watch The Arsenal again, not the number
of sleeps I am going to worry myself sick over the transfer window.

And it was all Yellow…..

Audacious. Never has the unfortunate misuse of
a word caused such an almighty stir.

Monday night
saw leaked news of an “Audacious Stunt” planned for Arsenal’s new away kit
launch the following afternoon spread like wildfire across Twitter. Honestly, I
swear we are going to break the Internet soon if we are not careful.

The Gooner Twitter
universe was transformed into dictionary corner when, suddenly, we were
bombarded with tweets enlightening us with the definition of the word
“Audacious”, and even “Stunt”. At one point I’m sure I spotted that someone had
changed their username to Susie Dent.

I am
actually considering contacting the Guinness Book of Records to see if they
have “most times the word audacious has been defined in one week” section, and
if they will check our audacious stunt to see if it qualifies us for some kind
of award. Well, if fourth place is like a trophy…

Instead though, I’ll just follow suit:

”Audacious”

1 –
Showing a willingness to take surprisingly bold risks

2 –
Showing an impudent lack of respect

“Stunt”

1 – An
action involving spectacular skill and daring

2 –
Something unusual done to attract attention

So, did the
club pull off an audacious stunt on Tuesday? I think they bloody well pulled it
off Monday night as well as Tuesday myself!

For a start,
leaking news of an audacious stunt to Arsenal fans the day before a kit launch
has surely got to be one of the most death-defying audacious stunts of all time
hasn’t it? Evel Knievel himself would be proud of that one. That is a bold
risk, involving spectacular skill and daring if ever there was one!

“And now,
Ladies and Gentleman, we will attempt to put ideas in the minds of millions of  fragile Arsenal fans, while avoiding the
complete implosion of the Internet…”

In fact,
trying to convince some Arsenal fans that anything the club does these days is
anything other than negative is a bold risk these days.

Two things
struck me about this. First of all, if you were expecting a spectacular
unveiling of a “marquee” signing, appearing through a cloud of dry ice, WWE
style, accompanied by entrance music to the tune of “Guess who’s back, back again,
Cescy’s back…” or something, then quite frankly the combination of the
transfer window and the hot weather have gotten to you, it’s time to take a
break.

Also, once
again, something that should be looked upon as a great occasion (which it was
by quite a few to be fair), is frowned upon and mocked by our own.

There were a
few people bursting to have a good moan about those socks too, I could tell…

I’m not
going to talk about the actual launch itself, as my esteemed Gunners Town
colleagues @goonerdave66 , @jeremylebor and @FindingCotton were privileged
enough to be at the launch themselves, along with some other Arsenal bloggers.

I advise you
all, particularly anybody who saw this launch other than a great occasion to
read Jeremy’s fantastic piece here.

A lot of
good came from Tuesday for me on a personal level, and maybe it did for some of
you too. It reminded me of what an exciting and “together” core of youngsters
we have at our great club. It reminded me how good it is to be an Arsenal fan.

It also
helped me to get back to ignoring the absolute insanity that is affecting some
people out there.

I do
understand the frustration, and I think it’s frustration that comes more from what’s
happened over the past few years more so than what may happen this year, and
again, there is nothing wrong with reasoned debate.

What I will
never understand though, is people that’s sole intention is to abuse fellow
fans.
I think most people reading this will agree things have gotten out of hand the
last couple of weeks, I myself have been dragged in a few times by some
absolute dickheads, against my better judgement.

I wish to
make it clear here that I’m not talking about all that “WOB’s vs AKB’s” crap. I’m
talking about stupid little boys abusing people for the sake of it.

However, I
do sense the tide turning somewhat. I don’t know if it’s me being suddenly
jolted back into my more positive mindset, and not noticing the idiots any
more, or the fact that the worse the idiots get, the more it breeds solidarity
among the rest of us, I don’t know. All I do know is I’m back to looking on the
bright side, in my view it’s the best side of the fence to be on. Not that
everything in the Arsenal garden is rosy by any means, but like I said last
week, it’s about getting a sense of perspective.

If, however
you are still struggling with the stresses and strains of the Silly Season,
then worry not, my dear readers! I am nothing if not generous, and this week
help is at hand if you are suffering the effects of the Silly Season, as I
bring to you…..

DB’s Guide to Surviving the Transfer
Window in Five Easy Steps

1 –
Believe Nothing or Nobody

This is the
most important advice to surviving the silly season you will ever receive.
There are people out there who may know stuff, I’m sure. But tread carefully,
as there are those out there who will do anything to drive you out of your mind
with a tidal wave of misinformation.

Like the
devil, these evils can take on many forms – from journalists to ITK’s, from
agents to the players themselves. This evil can even spread to the highest levels,
including club presidents.

Believe
nothing, believe nobody. You will be fine…

2 –
Remain Optimistic

One of the
trickier aspects of this survival guide, I know. Focus on the “no news is good
news” point of view, and you can only be pleasantly surprised. But be careful
not to be lured in by the transfer window evils mentioned above, and also not
to become over optimistic. Over optimism can lead to difficulties in the next
step…

3 –
Remain Realistic

Beware once
again, as there is a very fine line between being optimistic and over
optimistic. Crossing this fine line may render you unable to achieve this step,
and lack of realism will again leave you in danger of being back to stage one.
Possibly forever. However, there is also a fine line between realism and
pessimism. Don’t, under any circumstances, get caught here, as you will be
stuck between optimism and pessimism for all eternity. Causing you to eventually
explode.

4 –
Maintain battery life at all times

This one is
quite obvious, I feel. You wouldn’t want to miss anything would you? Not after
you’ve reached this stage.

The
alternative view is that if you stay away from any form of media, social or
otherwise, until August 17th then you won’t have had to worry about
the last three stages in the first place. However, this theory remains untested
up until now.

5 – Take
a Holiday

If you have
completed steps 1–4, you are now an optimistic realist, who remains pessimistic
enough not to believe or trust everything you hear or read. You have a good
feeling about what can be achieved next season, you believe we could bring in
some big players during the summer, but you are realistic enough to know that
there are limits as to what can be done during the transfer window.

Congratulations!

Achieving
these steps are the key to surviving the Silly Season.

What’s more,
you have a fully charged phone. Use it to book yourself a holiday, you’ve
earned it.

Go somewhere
with wireless though, just in case…

Next week: – Continuing DB’s Players to Watch
2013/2014 – I’ve got an interesting one for next week…

Darren Berry

Follow @DBerry1974

Darren Berry

Islington born and bred, Arsenal through and through.

Published author.

Is Yours Gold? The Arsenal Invincibles Twentieth Anniversary – available now,

Over Land and Sea (and Lockdown), Arsenal 20/21 – The Corona Diaires – released 2021.

Clickbait: Life as a Modern Football Fan – released 2019