DB’s Season Diary Week 30
Tuesday 4th March 2014 – Armageddon is Upon Us
As I write this I have no idea if it will reach you, as the impending apocalypse we have been warned of draws ever closer.
The Prophets of Doom have warned us of such times since the infamous Summer of Suffering, 2013, and are now gathering as one, the first sign that the Battle for Fourth Place will soon be upon us.
They told us so.
We didn’t listen.
WHY DID WE NOT JUST LISTEN???
I can only pray that this reaches you, that we somehow summoned the mighty warriors of the Strongest Eleven, or that the brave reserve of the Weakened Team somehow overcame the Toffee Men of Everton, and we live to fight another day, in our quest for the yellow ribbon of the Merry Month of May, and the apocalypse is averted for another week at least.
If this battle has been lost, and you are reading this, then you have survived.
You have survived the Tidal Wave of WengerOut and the eruption of the Volcano of Shouldavefuckingsignedafuckingstrikerfuckingyearsago.
I have taken it upon myself to provide you with a guide for further survival for each of these scenarios, take heed fellow Gooner, for there are tough times ahead, these guidelines should stand you in good stead for the coming months….
Should we fail to defeat the Toffee Men…
Delete all social media apps from your mobile devices immediately, and avoid all forms of news outlets.
The internet may actually crash anyway, but you cannot be too careful.
A state of emergency will be declared, and we will go to alert level RED, with every chance of all out Civil War, as the WOBs, AKBs, the Black Scarves and the Positive Ultras converge on Blue Bird Plains to prepare for battle.
If you belong to neither of these factions, you are in serious danger of being torn limb from limb as you are grabbed from all sides. Your only hope is to clear your mind of all thoughts and seek refuge in the safe haven of #TwitterOff, while the battle rages on.
There will also be evacuations arranged on the Gooner Family Follow Train, where you will each be nominated your own Gooner Family to stay with, a million miles away from the troubles.
Indeed, your Gooner Family will make you feel like there is no trouble at all.
I can give you no more advice on what will happen from this moment forward, it is just a case of keeping your head down and trying to get on with your life in #TwitterOff or with your designated Gooner Family, you will be safe here until it is time, time for what I do not know, nor can I tell you when that time will come.
But be prepared for your evacuation or exile to last for at least three weeks, as all may depend on the outcome of the ensuing battles with the Teutonic Hipster beasts of the Greatest Team in the History of Planet Earth, the Swamp Dwellers of Shitehartlane, before finally facing the wrath of the mighty Oil Barons.
Stay safe, and pray for the future of Goonerkind.
Should we defeat the Toffee Men…
Rejoice, for not only have we survived this battle, but the quest for the Yellow Ribbon of the Merry Month of May is one step closer.
Show your relief, your delight, sing and dance in the streets. Drink plenty of alcohol. In fact, acclimatising yourself to the effects of alcohol on your body may well save your sanity over the coming weeks…
WARNING – Do not be lulled into a false sense of security, there are dangers at every turn, and the Prophets are Doom still walk among us ready to mutter the words “….Failure to add in the summer again is coming back to haunt us…” at any minute.
They may well be right of course, but when the bomb drops the last thing you want is some cunt saying “I told you that would happen” isn’t it?
There are many battles ahead now, but it is the battle within that will be the most arduous.
Stay strong, stay focused and take each day at a time.
If you feel yourself being drawn in, then seek refuge in the aforementioned safe haven of #TwitterOff.
Might be an idea to steer clear of the Gooner Families for now though, as therein lies the danger of that false sense of security.
Above all, the best advice for now is to enjoy the moment, for every moment of enjoyment may be your last…..
Thursday 6th March 2014
THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We have been infiltrated. The tattooed gimp freak monster they call Agger has breached our defences and launched an attack on one of us. Young Jack is wounded, and unable to fight for our cause for the foreseeable future, leaving us short on numbers.
Conspiracy theories, finger pointing and general panic ensues, as internet servers around the world begin to heave with the pressure, dangerously close to full-scale meltdown.
It doesn’t matter who is to blame right now.
So just shut the fuck up with your bollocks and pray for us all. If you can take any positive from this, it should be that you are now better prepared for what may be to come. Not fully prepared, nothing can fully prepare you for that.
Friday 7th March – Nerves Kicking In
Back in the real world for a minute, and on the eve of the game I’m starting to feel the nervous energy really kick in, as I’m sure you are too.
It’s been quietly bubbling away below the surface all week, but now that work, life and writing weird survival guides are out of the way those feelings are bubbling on the surface, in an arse clenching kind of way.
It’s quite a strange buzz really. It’s not like I haven’t been on the eve of massive games before, I mean, I’ve actually seen us win things in the flesh. One thing I’ve noticed though is that it’s a different kind of nervous energy this season than I’ve felt before.
It’s different to when we were winning things, that felt as much like anticipation as it did nervousness, looking at it with hindsight.
Then, in more recent years, as positive as I always go into games, it’s still been almost the anticipation of inevitable disappointment and heartbreak. This season feels a little different to both of those feelings though, as I feel we are on the brink of something, it’s somewhere in between. The early kick off means an early start in the pub, and plenty of time to either celebrate or drown your sorrows afterwards.
So, onwards to battle we go then.
Hope to see you on the other side….
Arsenal 4 Everton 1 – Que Sera, Sera
I feel the need to apologise. I thought I had done enough to prepare you for all eventualities, but a semi-final against Wigan, with a final against Sheffield United or Hull is something even the most optimistic of us were not expecting.
On the game itself, I must admit I had a bad feeling once they’d equalised, and I was almost despondent at half time.
We dug deep, however, and there were some performances in there that were great to see.
The Ox was outstanding for me, as was Mesut Ozil. I even thought the dreaded Arteta – Flamini combination worked well. Olivier Giroud took his goals well, and looked sharp. I think one thing having Yaya Sanogo starting has given us is the chance for Giroud to have a bit of a breather, which can only be a good thing.
Once the draw for the semis had been made, you could almost hear the groan from Arsenal fans around the world as we were inevitably drawn with Man City. End of the road. Another year without a trophy. Meltdown central.
Then, the unthinkable happened, and we find ourselves with the biggest chance we have to end our trophy drought since that final against Birmingham….
The only advice I can give you is to not get carried away, but also enjoy the moment. There is every chance that this could be the start of something very good indeed.
Islington born and bred, Arsenal through and through. Supported the Gunners for all of my 46 years (so far!) through thick and thin.
Clickbait: Life as a Modern Football Fan – released 2019
Currently working on my next book – Over Land and Sea (and Lockdown), Arsenal 20/21 – A Diary of a Season – due for release Summer 2021.
I will back the club I have in my blood to the hilt and I don’t care what you think about that. UTA.
AGAINST MODERN FOOTBALL.