DB’s Season Diary Week 37
That’s it then. Another Premier League season done and dusted, another fourth place troph.. sorry, another fourth place finish, this time sewn up before the last game of the season, and with the annual St Totteringham’s day hilarity falling comfortably earlier than in recent seasons.
DON’T MENTION THE B WORD!
This year, of course, we have the small matter of the FA Cup final to look forward to, and our best chance of landing an actual trophy since Birmi…. our best chance of landing an actual trophy for a while.
More on the cup final a bit later.
I think now is as good a time to have a little look back at the Premier League season.
As good a time as any seeing as the cup final is sandwiched between the end of the league season and that time of year when Agent Cuntybollocks QC starts telling us who is “done” and whatever other shit is flying about.
So, shall we go into how this league season went, the sense of disappointment after leading the Premier League for so long, the feeling that this was a missed opportunity, and that just a few quid spend in January may just have been the difference between winning the league?
How about how once again injuries have severely hampered our title challenge, and discuss who or what is responsible for our seemingly never ending tale of injury woe?
Nah, bollocks to that.
You’ve heard enough of it already, and you’re going to hear another load of it in the coming weeks, where our problems will be dissected, everyone will have the answers to our injury problems and everything else, how we need a “beast DM”, or something, interspersed with bullshit from Agent Cuntybollocks, and people for some reason getting themselves worked up about what some gimp who calls himself Wayne Gooney or something says he’s “heard”.
Anyway, with a cup final at the weekend, I would rather get in the mood by taking a look back on the good times this season.
Not that there isn’t plenty to discuss and debate, of course, but it isn’t getting done here, my friends, as there are far more important things to talk about than all that right now.
No end of season is complete without awards is it?
We’ve had a (allegedly) tranny shagging, end of season collapse managing Manager of the Year, and a diving, (non-allegedly) biting, racist Player of the Year this week, so forgive me for not taking this too seriously….
DB’s End of Season Awards 2013-14
Goal of the Season
1 – Jack Wilshere vs Norwich
We’ve scored some pretty good goals this season, but this one tops the lot.
Rumour has it that sales of Kleenex peaked at an all-time high between 5pm and 9pm that day, in anticipation of the MOTD highlights.
2 – Tomas Rosicky vs Spurs
Very closely run by Rambo’s goal, but I’ve given if the edge as it was against that lot, and sparked some unforgettable celebrations, as well as meaning we could to go to work with a happy hangover the next day.
3 – Aaron Ramsey vs Norwich
As far as technique goes, this goal was just pure sex. A great cross from Giroud, but Aaron still had plenty to do. And do it he did.
Remember when some people thought he was shit?
Chant of the Season
I asked for your favourite chants or songs you have heard this season.
Time and space prevents me from including them all, and a big thank you for your suggestions, but there can only be one winner.
So, here are two….
You’re going down on your sister
(To Norwich fans at the last game)
Via @Good2BAGooner and @Goonerstu87
I’ve left that in the format it was sent to me, as I think it’s important to know that even auto-correct doesn’t know who he is…
– Here’s to you, Mathieu Flamini
– You sold Bale, we signed Mesut Ozil
– 49, 49 undefeated
Cunt of the Season
A difficult one this, and I think I could probably write a few thousand words on this subject in itself, to be honest.
I managed to draw up a shortlist though…
– Jose Mourinho
– Jose Mourinho
– Michael Owen
– Jose Mourinho
– Jose Mourinho
And the winner is….
Jose Mourinho – specialist in being a massive cunt.
Get on your poor little horse and fuck off, you shithouse.
Runner up – Michael Owen – for dragging shit punditry and commentary down to a level lower than shit.
And he kills bunnies.
There is one special award, you know like at the BAFTAS where they go through the ever dwindling list of people in the performing arts over 50 that are not a convicted sex offender or suspected nonce.
The Can’t Smile Without You Special Award for Services to Football Comedy Gold – Tim Sherwood and Tottenham Hotspur
They never disappoint do they?
After ending last season with the bingo wing flapping celebrations of 1-1 at Newcastle, it looked like they had reached their hilarious peak, but the gift that keeps on giving just keeps on, erm, giving.
The £100m summer spending spree convinced them that this REALLY WAS THEIR YEAR THIS TIME, HONEST.
But rather than finally closing that gap, we were treated to another season of laughs from our North London neighbours.
A personal highlight for me was Micky Hazard, the taxi driver, having what may have been a mental breakdown over the Arsenal players’ selfie at the end of our THIRD victory over his beloved Tottenham this season.
Poor Mickey was convinced that selfies are dangerous and provocative.
He’s got a point actually…
Tim Sherwood obviously topped the lot though; here are some of the gimp in the gilet’s finest moments.
Gilet rage – Woooooooo! Get her!
Timmy throws the ball at Sagna – and not one fuck was given
The “Ade Salute” – no words necessary
Give some cunt your gilet and put him on the bench
One can only assume Timmy was being ironic here, as sticking some random cunt in a gilet and putting him in the dugout was pretty much how he got the job in the first place.
Looking at these images and more, there is only one thing that springs to mind, take a look at this short tribute to Tim Sherwood….
All you good, good people
Forgive me if this seems a little self-indulgent (I am going somewhere with it though), but without doubt the highlight of this season for me has been meeting some truly fantastic people. Some of you who are reading this now, and some of you that are reading I have never met, but have had the pleasure of interacting with through Twitter.
As I said earlier, I’ve enjoyed the ride this season and, trying as hard as I can not to sound wanky about it (and failing miserably, I’m sure) I hope for all of you that this Saturday brings an end to the nine thousand years we have gone since last celebrating the club we all love lifting a trophy.
Regardless of whom we over-celebrated beating in the semi-final, this run to the final has been fully deserved, and the fact that it is “only Hull” in the final means fuck all when you consider the top sides we have beaten since our easy third round tie….
I’m not under-estimating Hull in the slightest, and we all know only too well how these things can go.
Regular readers won’t be surprised to hear that I’m not giving you an in-depth FA Cup final preview here, that’s not my bag, and part of the reason I’ve spent most of this week’s column taking the piss out of Tim Sherwood might be an indicator that I’m doing my best to take my mind off of it!
All I will say is that as the day draws closer I can feel the nervous excitement starting to build, and the touching of the cloth is imminent.
I would say enjoy the game, wherever you may be watching it, but after Wigan I’m sure none of us are actually EXPECTING to enjoy it are we?
Just make sure wherever you do watch it, you leave your voice there.
Up The Arsenal.
Islington born and bred, Arsenal through and through. Supported the Gunners for all of my 46 years (so far!) through thick and thin.
Clickbait: Life as a Modern Football Fan – released 2019
Currently working on my next book – Over Land and Sea (and Lockdown), Arsenal 20/21 – A Diary of a Season – due for release Summer 2021.
I will back the club I have in my blood to the hilt and I don’t care what you think about that. UTA.
AGAINST MODERN FOOTBALL.