Summer-induced Stupidity – The ‘Funniest, Wisest & most Poetic’ Review of the Transfer Window to date!


“I am Summer, come to lure you away from your computer… come dance on my fresh grass, dig your toes into my beaches”. ~Oriana Green

If only, If only, If only. In front of the computers they sit. Regurgitating, the same old shit. I’ve read somewhere that the Douglas Costa link, to us, was the 98th player to be linked to us this summer so far. “NINETY bloody EIGHT”. Honestly, just stop, and think about that for a second. 98, and in fact, now that Quintero has been mentioned, make that 99. That’s 99 times, people sat around computers and argued about wages, transfer fees, said players role in the team, etc., etc. That’s 99 times, people have got angry with other fans, claimed to be more knowledgeable than others, and ripped shreds out of each other over what? Nothing, nada, zilch. The whim of a journalist or the plan of an agent generating interest in his client. Ridiculous, isn’t it? When you actually stop and think about it.

“Summer has set in with its usual severity.” ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The boss touched on it in his press conference for the Emirates Cup the other day: “For weeks we were buying Balotelli from one minute to the other & it was all wrong. We do not master all the noises that come out”.

Now correct me if I’m wrong but I thought we humans were meant to be the bright ones. I thought we were the ones who, when we made mistakes, we realised it, and tried not to make the same mistake again. Obviously not, proof being, this time last year I wrote a piece called Alphabetti Spaghetti, doing the transfer window targets in a kind of poetic alphabetic style, and now 12 months on, I can do exactly the same, but now using 99 other names.

I could go from Aurier to Benzema, to the big Bony, Benders.

A Cabellero’s Willy and a few more defenders.

Two Costa’s, a Coleman, Casillas and Cavani,

Di Maria, an Eto’o and Marouane Fellaini.

 I shan’t go on, but you get the jist, and believe it or not there was an X and a Z, Xavi and Zaldua, a right back from Sociedad. It’s all getting a bit tiring, at this stage, and it’s not like we’re not signing anyone, for Christ sake, four done already, including Alexis, and the promise of more to come.

This brings me on swiftly to the next comedy show. Arsene Wenger. ”, No, no, he’s not the comedy show.  The man who over the last 8-9 years would, if questioned about future transfers would always answer something like “Only if I can improve the squad”, “only if I can find super quality” “the market is very difficult at the moment” completely shifted away from that stance. He was relaxed, and sharp, and seeming very genuine when he said in his interview on Friday that – “We are a bit ahead of what we usually do, because the availability on the market was bigger and earlier than before,” and “Many clubs decided to do it before the World Cup, and since the World Cup was over, not a lot has happened. But I think the second half of August, the 15th to 30th, will be busy again.”

The man who always tried to hide his transfer ideas, wishes or ability to pay for players was laughing and joking about buying more players. Was it enough for our supporters? Not a fucking chance. Twitter was covered with, “but Tim Payton has said we were finished in the market.” Of course I thought at first this was a joke, a troll or whatever, but then it popped up a few more times, and I nearly puked. Do some people actually take the word of this guy, (no matter how sound, or hard working he may be for the fans – don’t know if either is true or false btw) over a man with nearly 17years in charge of our club, with football knowledge flowing out of every orifice in his body. Please tell me it’s not true. If it is, then this summer has taken an even bigger turn for the worse.

I’ve said it before and it looks like I’ll have to say it again, when will people actually listen, and form their own opinions of what is being said, and stop relying on some journo or head of a group or head of something else who wants to beef up his ego to tell you what they think has just been said, and taking that as gospel.

happy again arsene

This smile makes it all better though, and the summers aren’t all bad.

So relaxed, and talking of signings, and still looking for more.

Who would’ve thought it? Eh? Well the ones who listened, I guess. Yes it was a pain in the ass, and with each year it seemed they were feeding us bullshit, and even the sternest of believers had to of waivered at some point along the way, but then we’d listen and again, take a deep breath and realise that slowly things were changing.

“Let’s not forget that we are at the first of August today, and the transfer window closes on the 31st. For years… I didn’t sit with [the media] here on the first of August having done quite a lot [of business].”

“I’m very happy because I did what I wanted, and I am still open to do more,” 

A renewed energy, excited almost giddy for the first time in years, not all tense and agitated, being asked about our captains leaving, etc.  Even with this childlike giddiness washing over him, he could be excused getting carried away, but when asked about Schneiderlin, the usual class of the man came to the fore. “I won’t talk about names, as I wouldn’t like to unsettle anyone, and we have had no contact with the player or the club either way.” Then he went on to praise Southampton, in the way that he and very few other managers does.

This may sound like an Arsene licking, and in a way I guess it is, but what the hell, for too many summers the spoiled brats had their abusive ways over cyberland. Their moaning and bitching infested every corner of our timelines. Funny, I don’t hear or see them this summer. And for that I and you no doubt are grateful. So I guess I can let the remaining transfer whores have their fun. (At least if there are rumours then maybe there’s more activity to come ;)) It’s a small price to pay, for ridding ourselves of the Mopey Dicks.

This time last year he sat interviews promising something special and there was something about him, he wanted to tell the supporters who and what and when things would happen but he couldn’t and it was eating at him. I chose to believe him, and I took a lot of grief about it, and days later he produced Ozil for us. The abusers didn’t re-appear with an apology, or any more abuse – shame that, and this year the signings in already means the wish to tell us, and for us to know players will be signed is less, as we have already got few gems in, but if he says he’s not finished, then I’d rather take his word, trust him, and not Tim “If I had to put my mortgage on it – Higuain inside the next 2 weeks” Payton’s.

A Ginter, a Griezmann and a Hulk who’s too fat.

Hernandez, Insigne and Daryl Janmaat.

Khedira, Kouyate and our old friend Kalou,

Lacazette, Mandzukic and James Milner too.   😉

A wise man once said...

A wise man once said…

“People don’t notice whether it’s winter or summer when they’re happy.”~ Anton Chekhov

I’ll choose the sunny side of this summer and sod the moaners, thank you very much.

I like what’s happening. I like what I’m seeing, and I like what I’m dreaming, and the possibilities of what may indeed happen. Arsene is right. We do need more. If you write down the team sheet right now, it in fact isn’t much different from the end of last year bar the inclusion of Debuchy and Sanchez, but the fact that it’s Ozil’s 2nd year in the league, Ramsey’s not injured again, The Ox in the same boat, and hopefully waiting to explode and Jack, according to the boss is in the best shape he has been for the last 3 years. Then include Campbell, if he’s held onto (not sure on that one though). Throw in the back up of Chambers for numerous positions, and Ospina for competition for Sir Szc and all looks rosy, though, following the 5-1’s and 6-0’s of last season, I doubt any of us were calling for any of the above solutions, it was all DM,DM, DM, and on that front we are still waiting. Until it’s addressed there’s room for the moaners to manoeuvre, so finger out Arsene, don’t give the fuckers an inch.

In fairness he has most angles covered. Nigh on everything they’ve moaned about, he has addressed. That doesn’t mean he’s listened to them (although they think it is down to them). It doesn’t mean that because the sales in the club shop had fallen therefore he read through the theories and manifestos of The Don’t Spend, Won’t Spend brigade, or the AST or had a listen to Bully and co on Arsenal fan TV, or rang Piers ‘The Scrote’ Morgan, and said “right I’ll do that, then so”. No. He more than anyone knew what needed to be done. The difference being, we are now in the position to do the things that need to be done, thanks in the main to the austerity that we’ve put ourselves through in recent times, and thanks to the Boss’s amazing management and economics, and in fairness, thanks to Gazidis and co. on the board. Hats off, credit where credits due.

One of the main problems last year was injuries. Not the leg snapping, crunching tackle type injuries, just the run of the mill, your typical Arsenal, snagged ankle on the grass, twitter finger strain, ruptured spine from shoe lace tying, and ruptured nasal from over usage of cocaine – Rosicky. This too has been addressed, with the arrival of Chad, Brad, Shed or Shad Forsythe, the German fitness coach. Hopefully this will see the end of these pesky muscle injuries, groin and Achilles tweak’s, and also lead to an improved recovery time if we still suffer a few knocks.

I believe Forsythe has also brought some of the German National teams ideas with him. I’ve seen boxes and boxes of an unusual drug like substance being delivered to London Colney. It is believed to be something similar to what was used by armies in the great wars, numbing the sexual urges in males, meaning they concentrated on the job at hand only. He has also brought a team of surgeons with him that may mean we may never have the need to spend money on signing players anymore. He plans on using the best of what we’ve got, and cloning them, and mixing their DNA’s in order to create a complete winning machine, at a fraction of the cost. Being German, he is ultra-efficient, and has started his work already. This is visible in the next photo, where we can already see the first clone off the production line – Medion Ozilalem.


The body of an Ozil and the legs of a Zelalem

In summer, the song sings itself. ~William Carlos Williams

And I trust we’ll be singing for the rest of the season(s) too.

Til the future.


PS – I wrote this on Friday, and knowing my luck we’ll have signed two DM’s and had three season ending injuries and Balotelli will have signed and driven his camouflaged Aston Martin onto the Emirates pitch in a blaze of fireworks by the time you read this.

PPS – It looks like someone hasn’t been listening to the manager, eh JC? Or is he going for the do the opposite of what the boss actually says. Or is he playing the “smokescreen” card.


PPS – That word, Smokescreen, fucking Smokescreen, should be banned, thrown on a pile with pivot and double pivot and Michael Owen and burned using Alan Pardew’s piss and a box of matches.




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3 Responses to Summer-induced Stupidity – The ‘Funniest, Wisest & most Poetic’ Review of the Transfer Window to date!

  1. Northbank1969 August 3, 2014 at 8:44 pm #

    Hi Woody

    I’m amazed that nobody has commented on this article.Bloody excellent read. 🙂

    • Dave Seager August 3, 2014 at 8:48 pm #

      It annoys me as editor when superb original pieces like this and not read and commented on so thanks got taking the times. Dave

  2. haryo August 3, 2014 at 9:01 pm #

    Awesome read…
    going over it again

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