Mikel and Zizou have a chat. [Satire]

It’s 9am Monday morning and Mikel has spent all weekend psyching himself up for this one phone call.

Looking in the mirror, MA starts talking to himself:

“He’s just a man, he’s like anyone else. Just pick up the phone and talk to him. Just ‘cos he’s Zizou, just ‘cos he’s won the World Cup, just ‘cos he’s one of the greatest players ever, he’s just a man. He’s got a bit of a temper , but it will be cool.”


“You can do it, you are a respected manager, just call him” 

Mikel picks up the phone and starts dialing, he takes a deep breath as presses the last digit and waits. The phone rings twice and then there is an awkward silence, high school disco-sequence awkward. Arteta summons up all his courage and in a big boy voice speaks:

“Ola, Zizou, Cómo estás?”

“Bonjour, Who is this?”

“Oh, hi, it’s Mikel……Arteta…..the Manager of Arsenal…”

“Mikel? Oh yes-  you are the guy who is helping us”

“Yes, that’s me and funnily, I was ringing to talk to about that. You see….”

“ Let me stop you there, the answer is non and to make my self clear. Non!”

“OK, I hear you, but hear me out. I know he’s an international and I know you have plans for him, but, you haven’t really missed him and he’s becoming integral to our plans…”

“Well, that’s my point, we have big plans and he’s part of them, so the answer is still, no!”

“Ok, but, he was surplus to your requirements and it’s hasn’t really affected your form. I mean, you tonked Liverpool, to pretty much ensure another UCL semi final spot and you are top of the league without him…”

“This is true, we are doing pretty well without him, maybe we could consider…..”

Arteta sees his opportunity 

“Yes, Zinadine and we have been paying his wages, which has obviously been helping you guys no end. Look, let’s say £20 mill and be done with it”

The phone goes quiet for what seems like an eternity and eventually Zizou speaks:

“OK, OK, you win, you can have Cebellos for £20million”

“What,?! No! not Danny, Odegaard!!!”


“Ahh, that one is a definite NON.”

Suddenly the phone goes dead and a trail of expletives can be heard from Arteta’s office.

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