1. Every self-respecting oligarch-sorry-I-mean-billionaire owns a football club.
2. You’re a genius – is there anything you can’t do?
Electric cars, rocket ships, trains sorry-I-mean-hyperloops, robots… Like a little small-town boy with a big imagination limited only by his birthday money, building rocket ships, trains, cars, and robots in his back yard, surrounded by a proud family telling him how brilliant he is – you lurk in your lair, creating cars, rocket ships, robots and trains, limited only by your (partly self-earned) trillions, surrounded by an adoring coterie of geniuses, acolytes and enablers, telling you how brilliant you are.
Look at how you have stepped in and saved Twitter! You’re obviously the greatest mind that ever lived, cutting through mediocrity with your wit and wisdom (let that sink in…: just wow!), succeeding in short tweets and messianic declarations as you slash your way through your new playground.
Imagine what you could do at Liverpool!
3. It’s the BRANDING, stupid!
Shirt Sponsor
You’d be an idiot not to buy the club: the synergistic opportunities for your other businesses abound! There’s the shirt sponsor spot: picture it now – the Tesla T-dagger cutting down the player’s abs from his chest… You might have to change the traditional red kit – Ferrari owns red. May I suggest maybe puce – something unique to make your own? No one will mind. (Btw – puce is the colour someone’s face turns when you are strangling them. In case you didn’t know. Of course you knew.)
Stadium Namium
Rename Anfield. (What is an Anfield anyway?!) Call it SpaceX Arena. All great names have to start somewhere. “The Kop” was just “the cheap seats behind the goals” before the Zulus got involved.
Hey! Here’s a superbowlish mega-idea I think you’d love: how about landing one of your rockets in the centre of the pitch at halftime? What a show! What could possibly go wrong in your safe, geniusy hands?!
In fact – why wait for halftime? Land it during a match! (May I suggest United at home?)
4. Pig Brains
Why not do your neural implant experiments on the Liverpool team? They’re footballers – surely they aren’t too different from your porcine victims-sorry-I-mean-patients? Start with Henderson. No-one will notice. If it works, you could control them like a real live PlayStation team! Then you could really show us your fast-track learning skillz. Bust out your Peppy Cruyyf chops. Let the Muskball Era begin.
And if the implants don’t work – no harm done. Was worth a shot.
5. Puce Ticks
I’m sure you thought of this yourself, but you could make every Liverpool fan pay £8-sorry-I-mean-£7.99 a month for a puce tick, which would give them the right to use any of the following words on Twitter: Liverpool, Pool, Reds, Gerrard, slip, Anfield, The, Kop, Hillsborough, Klopp, Shankly, Champions, You’ll, Never, Walk, Alone or YNWA.
Make the players pay £8k a month for their ticks – and then take the ticks away from them for impersonating the footballers they were last year. Unless they get “Parody” tattoos. On their foreheads. (20 points they’ve dropped already this season. Only you can fix it…)
6. Bonus: Future Martians
Owning Liverpool means you would probably have to spend some time there. Don’t worry – they have internet, and if they didn’t you could just hover a chain of starlinks over Merseyside. (Everywhere you go – you always take the Wi-Fi with you…) Of course, you’d have to master the Scouser accent – but then again – they’d have to master yours too, so let’s call it even.
Spending time there you’d see what a … um…hardy, resilient, resourceful bunch Liverpudlians are. Perfect for nation building. For planet-populating. The British used criminals to start Australia: I recommend sending the whole of Liverpool to populate Mars, when you’ve got the transport sorted, of course.
7. Super Extra Mega Bonus: Free Speech
Hey! There’s a team in the Premier League called many things, but identifying as Spurs that has mostly Jewish supporters. You and your MAGA buddies would have a ball at least twice a season exercising your hate-sorry-I-mean-free speech against them!
Give DJ and Ye honorary season tickets – the perfect gift for billionaire geniuses who have everything.
Everything except hubris, obviously, ‘cos who needs that? Oh – and empathy. That’s for snowflakes. And humility – Lord, it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way.
Everything except a Football Club – but that’s just a chump-change impulse-purchase away…
C’mon Elon. Do it!
—
(No Scousers were harmed during the writing of this blog. Not sure about egos.)
I was eleven-and-a-half. My family had just emigrated from Rhodesia to South Africa. All the kids on my street supported United or Liverpool, because of their Southern African goalkeeper connections: Bailey for United and Grobbelaar for ‘Pool. Problem was: I didn’t like the colour red – so when FA Cup Final day came around in 1979, I supported the team in yellow, even though their name sounded like “Asshole”. At the final whistle, I had bragging rights and a team that had won my heart.
Then I discovered that the Gunners also wore red. Luckily, I remained loyal, and the Arsenal has kicked my heart around ever since… (apart from a few lost years in the ’90s and early ’00s, when I was busy doing grownup things as a composer in Hollywood).
Abandoned invinciblog.com to launch this site with 1 Nil Down 2 One Up blogfather Dave Seager – and we have used this platform to help launch the writing careers of a number of amazing Arsenal bloggers.
Absolutely embarrassing article, if this is your attempt at ‘humour’ or ‘satire’ you need to take yourself out for some fresh air! You sound like a raging lefty thats annoyed that Elon Musk has stopped twitter being a libtard echo chamber