Based on a true parody, updated from the original 2017 parody.
Names have been changed to protect the guilty!!
Something to lighten mood before the serious business at 4.30 Sunday afternoon or 3.30 Monday morning, depending on your view.
Saturday 7.30am
‘Arry the Spud’s alarm clock kicks in to TalkShite’s daily breakfast phone in ‘Why Arsenal Haven’t won anything worth talking about in 20 years!!’ Drinking his morning red bull, he rings into Cundy & O’Hara and explains why winning the Milk Cup once, makes them the best team in London for the last 30 years. After getting a rousing agreement from all listeners and the promise of a **** job from O’Hara, he decides to it’s time to get up.
9.00am
‘Arry turns on his computer & checks his favourite websites. With his pre prepared blog comment ‘Le Arsenal, Invaders from South of the River’, he logs on to catch up on the latest news & report all the Arsenal injuries & gossip.
He tweets his spud-u-like mates, divulging all his new knowledge from Cashburton Grove, for it then to be spouted out on whatever social network media they can find, running along side whatever Spud comparison they can invent.
10.00am
Before heading up the Seven Sisters to ‘The Cosha Fry Up’ for breakfast, ‘Arry decides to indulge in a quick DVD from his expansive collection. Scanning the vast array of ‘When we put the pressure on’ videos in front of him, he picks Gazza’s free kick to remind him of limited past glories. Inspired, he WhatsApps his friend Sugary, to remind him that the Spuds beat Arsenal in an FA cup semi nearly 35 years ago!!!
11.30am
On the way out the door, Harry feeds his 2 cats, Ossie & Ricky and then jumps in the Capri to catch up with da boyz down the bookies. As soon as he is in the door, a big cheer goes up & all the Tiny Tots thank him for all the useful intel he had gathered that morning. It had all been put to good use in proving beyond doubt, that despite finishing 17th last season, celebrating St Totteringham day in January and last winning the league before ‘Breakfast at Tiffanys’ (the movie, not the song) was released, Tottingham are in fact the best team in Europe & frankly everyone else was wrong!!
The sort behind the counter spots ‘arry & shouts ‘the usual love?’, ‘diamond’ squawks ‘arry, ‘a monkey on Arsenal to lose darlin’.
1.30pm
In the Prince Albert, ‘Arry is on his 5th Bacardi Breezer smugly grinning to himself. See, he (claims to have) invented Ar5ena1 for all Spuds to use to celebrate their momentous (& only) Worthless Cup Semi Final victory & he is known as a god throughout Spuddom for that gem? The barmaid brings him his jellied eels & he settles in for an afternoon of Merse, MacInally & Soccer Saturday to feed him all his Goon news & updates.
3.00pm
Kick off, a big roar from outside Sh!te Hart Lane doesn’t distract Arry. He scans all the tv & radio stations, looking for the next snippet of information to show that, even though Arsenal have won 3 Premierships, 2 doubles, gone a whole season undefeated and won more FA Cups that he can count in the last 30 years, the Spuds were by far superior because they were ‘here first’ and that’s all that matters.
He comforts himself in the knowledge that The Spuds are the greatest because…….well he doesn’t need to justify it, because it just blinding obvious, obviously.
Impatiently Arry waits until…..
5.00pm
As The Spuds from the game trickle in, Arry transfixed on the vidiprinter, looking for the important results.
Arsenal 5 – Newcastle 3
Spuds 1 – Man City 2.
Instantly ‘Arry is formulating his bile to spout to all who will listen.
Arry now had undisputed proof that the Spuds were indeed top dogs in North London. Arsenal had conceded 3 goals & the Spuds had only shipped 1 and the Spuds had an higher XG between 50th & 55th minutes, and as everyone knows, these are the most important 5 mins of any game!!!
So there you have it, Spuds were just better, it’s just the truth, according to ‘Arry.
Buoyed by the obviousness of it all, ‘Arry quickly rings BBC606 to speak to the font of all football knowledge, Robbie Savage.
Having explained his theory, ‘Arry demands that Arsenal be relegated for moving across the river & that Van Der Venn be knighted ‘cos he’s better than Saliba & Gabriel combined’.
With a smile on his boat race, ‘Arry decides it’s time for a ruby.
8.30pm
After exposing himself & his theory to everyone on the tube, ‘Arry finally makes it to the Taj Mahal, where his usual table for 1 is waiting for him. Kingfisher in hand, he opens his Amstrad & starts typing his daily blog.
‘Dear Spud Listeners’, (he thought this was funny as peeps read his blog, not listen to it??).
Why Totteringham are better that Arsenal-
1 THFC only buy world class players, such as Mathys Tel. Who have southerners ever brought of that standard??
2 Spurs regularly attract new managers who want to coach Spurs. No one wants to manage Arsenal, so they never change managers.
3 The new stadium holds like 90,000, way more than the Emirates.
4 Tottenham are a family club. Just look at all the people who turned up 10 years ago to support one of our own.
Happy with his diatribe for the night, Arry slinks off back to his dingy bed-sit in Islington, pondering life’s complexity
11.00pm
Back at home & content with his day being a loyal Spud, ‘Arry switches on MOTD to applaud Murphy and Rooney for their biased, unerring criticism of all things Arsenal. Then, after a swift glass of Tesco gin, ‘Arry decides enough is enough & calls it a night.
He sneaks up the apples n pears, and with his favourite Arsenal DVD and a box of tissues in hand, finishes his day in his usual way.
A parody of reality or a real life parody?
It’s that time again, let’s send them back to Middlesex, humiliated, again.
English by birth, Australian by choice. Traffic Engineer, Arsenal ST Holder, Sun DreamTeam Winner, Writer on @GunnersTown, Depeche Mode, Welcome to my world…
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