Distribution: Strictly limited to clubs, officials, and anyone who can keep a straight face
To all participating clubs,
Following a comprehensive review of this season’s entertainment objectives, we would like to remind all teams of their civic duty to ensure Manchester City continue accruing points in a manner that creates maximum emotional distress for Arsenal Football Club.
This is not a suggestion. This is not even really a hint. This is football governance.
All clubs are therefore instructed to:
• Defend normally against Manchester City until approximately the 73rd minute.
• Then, preferably, experience a sudden lapse in concentration.
• Avoid scoring first, as this may interfere with the approved title-race narrative.
• Refrain from making Arsenal fans hopeful for more than 14 minutes at a time.
We appreciate that some clubs may have concerns about fairness. Please note that fairness is very much a theoretical concept and should not be permitted to disrupt broadcast schedules, social media engagement, or Arsenal-related suffering.
Special note regarding Arsenal:
Should Arsenal unexpectedly win a match, all other results must be arranged to restore equilibrium within 24 hours. If this is not possible, please ensure a controversial refereeing discussion is circulated online to maintain the correct emotional climate.
Failure to comply may result in disciplinary action, strongly worded statements, a further delay to the resolution of City’s 115 charges, or a suspended ban that will be rescinded after nobody remembers why it existed.
Thank you for your continued cooperation in preserving the integrity, tension, and occasional misery of the Premier League.
Regards,
Football Administration Department
“Keeping It All Very Balanced Since Never”
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English by birth, Australian by choice. Traffic Engineer, Arsenal ST Holder, Sun DreamTeam Winner, Writer on @GunnersTown, Depeche Mode, Welcome to my world…
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