Arsene Wenger – An Idiot’s Portrait (Of A Fading Legend)

Hope for the best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We’re unrehearsed. ~ Mel Brooks

Wise words indeed. Chelsea, City, United and Liverpool – been rehearsing their little money-bag bottoms off; buying all the players. And then along came Leicester. In football, anything can happen, and it usually does.

What is God? —Well, you know when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and wish for it? God’s the guy that ignores you. ~ Anon

You know when something seems really obvious? Like a certain player is on fire – the best thing on the pitch… That’s when Arsene will yank him. (And to add insult to injury – he’ll insult us by saying he did it because the player was injured.)

Oh. And God is also that guy that thinks snapping Petr Cech’s hamstring before an NLD would be a fun thing to do. (Dick.)

Blame God

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. ~ Lily Tomlin

I know things are bad right now. The Emperor has no clothes. Wenger has to go sometime, and now seems as good a time as any… But I have yet to hear anyone present a replacement manager that gets me excited. The people I would get tingly about are all taken.

Supporting Arsenal these days is a miserable undertaking – but I have a feeling that it could be a whole lot worse. Look at Liverpool. United. Chelsea. Change is friggin’ painful. And slow. No club just slips into a new manager. They aren’t lingerie.

(Who is managing Grampus 8? Perhaps we should start our search there? Lightning striking twice and all that…)

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pitbull. ~ Anon

I’m not sure if certain fans will ever be happy. New manager, owner and no money in the bank: they’d still be one arm short of a happy pitbull.

I asked my girlfriend to tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time. She said I’ve got a bigger dick than my dad. ~ Anon

When Wenger finally leaves – I know that my feelings will be mixed. As far as I’m concerned, he’s got a long way to go before he uses up ALL of his Gooner credit. But:

Michael Jackson will be remembered for how he touched people. ~ Martine McCutcheon

Unfortunately.

Let’s hope Arsene doesn’t overstay his welcome. If he hasn’t already.

We’re fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~ Japanese proverb

‘Abandon all hope, ye who enter here’ – that’s the life of a football fan. It’s the hope that kills you in the end. If you’re watching football to bring you joy – don’t. Football is Life. It’s not an escape from it.

Sidenote: Football can’t make us feel anything. It is our choice. Our responsibility. Our ability to respond. So, we can let the rollercoaster ride thrill us, moment by moment, or let it ruin our day. And remember: you can’t have downs without ups.

Surely WWWWWWWWWWWWWW ad infinitum would be flat. Boring…?

Remember:

There’s no orgasm without friction. ~ Me

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately. ~ Anon

Unfortunately Arsenal fans don’t show the same respect for etiquette. A bunch of them seem perfectly happy to poo on their own doorsteps. Like booing players during a game… not sure how exactly that is meant to help? It might make you feel better, but that’s about it. It’s indiscriminate, misdirected narcissism as far as I’m concerned. Not classy.

Nobody goes there any more. It’s too crowded. ~ Charles Hepker

There will always be someone to take your place. The waiting list for season tickets is longer than it’s ever been, and shorter than it will ever be. Fans just don’t have much power any more. Our dollars are drops in the ocean. Alisher Usmanov has billions, and 30% of Arsenal’s shares. And look at him. He might as well be a regular punter.

His opinion counts for diddly-squat.

We’re all dispensable. It’s arrogant to think otherwise. And painful.

Don’t tell your problems to people: 80 per cent don’t care, and the other 20 per cent are glad. ~ Lou Holtz

Gooners gon’ talk. We loves to talk. And tweet. And poll. And vote. And complain. And let everyone know how we feel. In fact – sometimes it seems we are at our happiest/talkiest/bitchiest when things are going wrong. Drama addicts. I don’t know if it’s the same with other teams – but Arsenal supporters seem genetically predisposed to psychotic delusions of grandeur. We’re convinced the world football universe rotates around us. Someone should hand us a telescope, fast.

‘Great’ conductors, like ‘great’ actors, soon become unable to play anything but themselves. ~ Igor Stravinsky

This is the saddest thing. Adapt or die. That’s the principle of Evolution. Arsene seems incapable (or unwilling) to adapt. People say he’s stubborn. I guess that’s politer than saying he is an idiot – which he isn’t. Although he is, sometimes.

If Arsene showed a little more intensity while things were actually  going wrong on the pitch – and I don’t mean losing it with the 4th official again (and again!) – then maybe he could intercept the ‘little bit naivety’, release the ‘handbrake’, impart some confidence to the players he selected, who are struggling to effect his game plan, before it was too late.

Not doing so makes him seem detached. Unconcerned. Disconnected.

Couple that with his infuriating post-match manner, and there’s more than enough fuel to fan the fires of discontent that are burning up the Goonerverse.

Lastly:

If you’re wondering why you should listen to me – where I got all this wisdom – you should know that I was self-taught by an idiot. Take everything I say with a pinch of salt.

And a slice of lemon.

And a shot of tequila.

Peace!

invinciblog

I was eleven-and-a-half. My family had just emigrated from Rhodesia to South Africa. All the kids on my street supported United or Liverpool, because of their Southern African goalkeeper connections: Bailey for United and Grobbelaar for ‘Pool. Problem was: I didn’t like the colour red – so when FA Cup Final day came around in 1979, I supported the team in yellow, even though their name sounded like “Asshole”. At the final whistle, I had bragging rights and a team that had won my heart.

Then I discovered that the Gunners also wore red. Luckily, I remained loyal, and the Arsenal has kicked my heart around ever since… (apart from a few lost years in the ’90s and early ’00s, when I was busy doing grownup things as a composer in Hollywood).

Abandoned invinciblog.com to launch this site with 1 Nil Down 2 One Up blogfather Dave Seager – and we have used this platform to help launch the writing careers of a number of amazing Arsenal bloggers.