In an act of selfless generosity to football’s most vulnerable oil-backed institution, Arsenal bravely lost to Aston Villa, officially confirming that Manchester City are, unfortunately, champions again.
Experts have described Arsenal’s performance as “a decisive intervention to protect City from the emotional hardship of finishing second.”
Club insiders confirmed that Arsenal’s 1/3 of a season-long title charge was never intended to win anything, but to “keep things interesting until City had finished extending their trophy cabinet.”
“We believe in imagination, in dreams, in the power of hope,” said an Arsenal spokesperson, “and then, traditionally, in the power of conceding soft goals to midlands clubs so that reality can restore itself.”
Sources in Manchester say City staff reacted with “muted surprise” as the title became mathematically secure, again, after Arsenal’s loss. “We didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves,” said one anonymous staff member while measuring space for yet another engraved plaque, “but when Arsenal started talking about ‘mentality’ and ‘character,’ we knew it was over.”
In North London, psychologists have reportedly advised fans to stop referring to it as a “collapse” and start calling it a “recurring seasonal event,” like hay fever or tax returns.
Despite the disappointment, optimism remains high at The Arsenal.
“This project is working,” insisted a club representative, as they refreshed the league table to see just how far ahead City were. “We were closer this year. We’ll be even closer next year. And in 2028, City might only win it on goal difference.”
English by birth, Australian by choice. Traffic Engineer, Arsenal ST Holder, Sun DreamTeam Winner, Writer on @GunnersTown, Depeche Mode, Welcome to my world…
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