Arsenal Summer Transfers: The Inside View

Poxy Irish Summer
2013. I wrote last week’s piece sitting on a bean bag in the garden, sweating
like a paedophile in a Barney suit, nothing on but the sauce that had dripped
from my badly burned BBQ burger, with a bottle of beer in hand (ah it was great
while it lasted).

This week, I’m looking out at Noah building another ark, and
I’m reaching for an extra jumper.  Oh
what to do. TV I guess, nothing else to do, I can’t go out in that shite, the
ritual flick onto Sky Sports in hope of seeing Arsene Wenger stood there with a
signing holding up our jersey with his name on it…

Oh balls to that, a quick flick around the other sporting
channels proves unfruitful with basically the same bollocks being spouted but
with a different accent, and a different plastic surgeon. So with no form of
sporting entertainment on any channel, only sporting fiction, I decide to look
for something real, some newsnight or something, see what’s going on in the
sunny side of the world.

Wait! What’s this?

“Hello, good evening, and welcome to ‘The Inside View’, a
topical news program where we’ll be looking inside popular culture and
workplaces. This week we look at Inside the world of football, the dark side,
welcome to “Football – a cult growing?”. (No it’s not about Sir Alex Ferguson,
that would be ‘a cunt going’).

“My name is Samuel Samuels, and I’ll be joined in studio by
a panel of experts, who will help show you about the dark side of the beautiful
game, and the danger it offers to the modern world.”

“Straight away we’re going live to the field, where Alan
Allen is reporting for us, Alan.”

Alan: “Good evening Samuel, yes, problems continue here, and
instability and confusion reigns over ‘Transferia’ tonight. You join me as the
battle is really hotting up. Behind me you will probably hear in the distance,
the shuddering and loud pops of ‘ITK’ fire, pellets of their bullshit exploding
as they hit the border of ‘reality’. If you were with me now, you would
probably be sickened by the constant smell of cack in the air. Earlier we sent
our reporter Martin Martins, out and about closer to the border, to the scene
of the latest shocking atrocity to assess some of the damage, some viewers may
find the following scene’s disturbing  (others will believe every last fucking bit of
it), here’s his report.”

Martin : “I was shocked and sickened when I arrived at this
school today, inside the canteen where on a normal day hundreds of innocent
children would eat breakfast before going to class, but today, we find the two
rotting corpses of “the Cesc returns to Arsenal” story, lying side by side to
the disgusting remains of the “Rooney to the Emirates” one, both not a million
miles away from photoshopped images of Wayne Rooney at Colney, and him and Gunnersaurus
side by side on the Emirates pitch, torn and thrown haphazardly on the ground.
Where youthful smiles are normally the order of the day, lie this gruesome
sight, and a stale stench of Daily Star, and ‘Sun’ ink and paper. (they’re
trying to convert them younger and younger these days). Looking across these
scenes, I fear we are a long way from the cessation of this conflict.”

{Back to the studio}

Samuels – “A terrifying report there. In the studio with me
now to discuss these reports and the greater issues surrounding the battle for
transfer truths are firstly:

Michael Michaels MBE – football historian and passionate
football fan.

Edward Edwards  –
warfare historian and expert on extremist groups and cults from The Watford
Association of Theology (TWAT),

Kelly Kelly – Economist from The Institute of Taxation
Services (TITS),

finally, Steven Stevens ,PhD psycho, from the Cumbrian Organisation of Concise
Knowledge (COCK).

“Thank you all for joining us tonight. Firstly Michael do you
think there is a serious threat to society from this Transfer window group, and
also where and when did it begin?”

Michael: “Well, from what I can see, this is a major issue
to society. This transfer pressure group has been formed very similar to the
formation of many ideological and extremist violent groups, it has a management
core, then preachers and moles that spread the word and get it out to the
public, normally picking on the lower class and unemployed, people with not a
lot of money, as they’re more likely to fall for their ideology’s and have more
time on their hands to pursue their role of spreading the word further.

“As for where it all started, is very hard to pin-point
accurately, but it’s definitely around the time that the premiership began or
not too long there after (or as Chelsea supporters will tell you, the time that
football began, the other records don’t count). You see initially when a team
used to have one substitute and that was all, a squad was a lot smaller,
therefore no need to be buying all these extra players that we have today.

“And likewise, they recruited their trainee’s from around
the area of the club’s, not spending big money on underage kids from other
clubs academies, etc. So in a summer there might only be one or two high-profile
moves and that would be it. But when the obscene money and 25-man squads came
into the game then the whole cult of the transfer exploded onto the scene.
Leaders of the whole thing being Sky Sports who 24/7 force the transfer
nonsense onto the susceptible, preaching their word, converting the weak. Then
down the chain you find their cohorts, some of whom we have received quite a
lot of intelligence on (intelligence not being a great word to use, information
might have been better – mongs really), people like Sheikh Harry ‘The Twitch’
Redknapp . This leader proves how crazy this whole cult is really, this is a
guy who gets his dogs to do his tax returns for crying out loud. He spends his
days driving into council estates preaching to anyone who will listen and
converting the innocent to the world of the transfer, but even though he’s
involved in a top secret sect of a cult he’s so open in his preaching that he
drives round and round in circles outside TV studio’s in his jeep hoping to
make it onto TV.

“And even though his role is to bankrupt football clubs by
keeping the transfer conveyor belt moving, which he has successfully done to
great financial benefit to both he and his dog, the power

of the leaders Sky meant that the majority of the English
nation wanted this man to lead them. That’s the strength of the media cult
these days – powerful.”

Kelly: “Touching on something Michael just said, from an economical
point of view, the days before Sky and the huge money in the premiership and
worldwide, the fans used to go watch players play, and a lot of people in the
stand would be earning similar money to the players on the pitch, and if not
similar the players weren’t on the huge amounts of money that they are on now.
The players played for the love of the game and the love of the club and a lot
would end up working with the fan in the stand after their football careers had
finished. I think a lot of the unrest stems from this. The fan sees the players
earning millions and see some either not playing due to the size of the squad
or for the fact that it’s their last bumper payday and they just don’t try or
care anymore, and this really gets to the supporters. They see mediocrity being
rewarded massively, and it gets them angry when they look at their own lives
and see how hard they have to work in order to be able to afford to watch their
team play.

“Still I don’t think it should mean they put so much energy
into this cult, but then this is exploited by the leaders, making sure to print
or show on screen as much as possible exactly how much a player earns in wages,
bonuses and commercial deals. This along with the fact that in the old days
football was a much more lower working class type of game, whereas now it’s
become a more middle to higher class form of entertainment due to the money
involved in watching it, and the fan in the crowd now consists of as many
accountants, managing directors, surgeons ,etc. as there used to be
bricklayers, printers, railwaymen and miners etc. – who are used to
dealing  with financial issues all day
long and therefore they take an interest in this side of the game as much as
they do in the football. But this has caused a weird phenomenon, with financial
issues ripping clubs supporters apart from within, like in Arsenal’s case for
example – since they’ve made a plan and built their stadium, and tightened
their belts, every single penny is being scrutinised by the supporters causing
arguments and derision amongst them. It’s not helped that this coincides with
the influx of oil moneys being spent at other clubs, with 100’s of millions
been thrown about like confetti (Jack Rodwell and Scott Sinclair shaped

Steven Stevens: “On that point can I add, in Arsenal’s case
especially, I use this one because their supporters seem to be the most
turbulent at the moment, and the plans they have put in place have been so
obvious to everyone (you’d think so?), and I feel they are the easiest prey for
this cult at the moment. I’ve often wondered if their fans aren’t actually
pissed off with the game in general, with all of the money been handed out to
these players etc, while their prices for tickets are some of the highest. I
just think that for them to call themselves supporters but yet kick their own
club as many times and as hard as possible while it’s on the floor is a bit
baffling, and I get the feeling that it’s the game their annoyed with, not so
much the club, but there’s nowhere to go and picket and shout-out against ‘The

Kelly: “That’s a very good point, and it is quite possible.
But the whole point the cult is preying is that exact reason. These sugar daddies
have come in, and Sky and co. make it sound like, if your clubs not doing the
same, not spending £40-50m on a player etc. that you’re doing things wrong.
Well seeing as we’re talking about a cult that sounds like it’s set up similar
to a religious extremist terror organisation, I’d just like to say that the
whole world of football, in England especially should turn and pray to The
Emirates every evening, or make a pilgrimage to the place once a year for
prayer and soul – searching, as for me the model that they have put in place is
the model that all clubs should be aiming for, and when success arrives it
should stay for a long time due to the what’s being established now. The funny
thing is I can see it, other financial people can see it, the rest of the
football world can see it, but their own fans can’t.”

Steven: “Exactly, and that is due to the pressures and
subliminal messaging being put out there by the leaders, the 24 hours a day
brain pumping from Sky and co.”

Samuel (host): “OK guys that’s all well and good but that’s
all the financial reasons and the history of this covered, but as a society, do
you think we should be worried about the spread of this Transfer Cult?”

Kelly: “Well for me, I notice it a lot in my job, an
economist in a tax bureau. I see people who care more and know more about a
clubs finances, shirt deals % of income in a ratio to spend on player and spend
on wages etc. than they do about their own finances. They care more about the
fact that if the club paid in instalments for a player that it might cost £2m
more, but know nothing of the fact that they can claim £40 back off their bin
charges or union dues, money that would go in their own pockets, and that
worries me.”

Steven: “Oh it’s having a serious impact. I do an awful lot
of work with public service workers from all over the country, and some of the
stories they recall are pretty frightening, there isn’t a section of society
that hasn’t been touched by the transfer cult at this stage, and it’s
interfering with everything they do, the quality of their work, their studies,
even their relaxation time is affected, as their head is awash with ‘what if’s’
‘can we afford him?’ etc , for example I met:

A canteen lady who keeps getting asked for
CHIELLINI chips at school (chilli) – when she says she doesn’t understand they
say “ah it doesn’t MATA”. Vocabulary’s are being ruined at an early age – this
could prove detriment, we’ll have a nation of people who’ll only be able to
hold conversations similar to football pundits, all clichés and bulls***.

Police officers standing at a barricade
surrounding a crime scene telling people to turn around “there’s nothing
TORRESee! this is SANOGO area”.

Restaurants serving a variety of seven tapa’s on
SEPt BLATTER’s (platters).

“We won’t know
exactly the damage for a few years yet, but I can’t imagine I’ll want to be
going to the pub to socialise with people acting like the panel off match of
the day or sitting down to dinner with people who remind me of Adrian Chiles
and Gareth Southgate, and I don’t know how our education system will work when
the class talks of William Gallas instead of William Shakespeare, or Thierry
Henry rather than Henry IV.

“One other
thing I notice is the ‘Shoot the messenger syndrome’, where a genuine guy gets
told genuine information, he shares this info, (about trying to sign ‘X’
player), but it doesn’t happen, so this guy gets abused repeatedly, never to be
allowed to forget, constant barrage of abuse thrown at him, leaving the
sensitive ones afraid to speak, and the thick skinned ones keeping their info
to themselves in the future.

“Now I as a
psychologist know how complex people are, and in a transfer there are far too
many people involved, and too many differentials involved too for everything to
go smoothly. Where the club is, housing, wages, weather, other players that are
at the club already, etc. So even though the club genuinely does try to sign
the player that the “messenger” has said they would, but the deal falls
through, it doesn’t make the messenger a bullshitter, an attention seeker, it
just means the deal has fallen through. And I fear how far this abuse may lead
in the future, people have got to learn to be able to tell the difference
between a 15-year-old ITK making stuff up in their bedrooms or a genuine guy
with genuine info that for some reason or another fails to materialise.”

Edward: “Sorry
can I get a word in here please? Mine are just feelings, I’ve got nothing to
back them up, but my big fear is that in a generation or so, we might have no
mass, or mosque, or prayer anymore, we’ll all be consumed by the tribe of
transfer, that we’ll all rise on a Sunday morning, watch Sunday supplement with
mouth open, and eyes agog, listening to the fat jouralists like they’re prophets
from God himself, to be followed by worship of the hero’s and prophets of the
past. Can you imagine a whole nation sitting down, bowing their heads in prayer
as a geriatric Jeff Stelling reads out a reading from the letter’s of Saint
Harry to The Corinthians –

Guvnor” and the nation repeats to their TV’s “Wotcha”

“Guvnor I like
that kid ya got Paulinho, I near signed the facker when he was three but I said
I’d leave him in fackin Brazil, now I see ya want £17m smacker fer em, but I
tell ya fackin wha , I give ya £22m you keep £2.5m I keep £2.5m , nadge
nadge,  wank wank, job’s a good ‘un an
all dat fackin jazz.”

“To which the
whole nation repeats “an all dat fackin jazz” “’arry mmmmmmmmm ‘arry mmmmmmm,
we love ya we do.”

“This is what
scares me and if this cult keeps gathering pace then this could be our future.

Samuels:  “Scary indeed, but sorry I’m going to have to
interrupt, as we’ve reached the end of the show, we could talk all night but
unfortunately the time has flown by. I’d like to thank our experts for coming
in tonight, and I hope you enjoyed the show. Please join us next week where we
talk about a completely different subject – “The Internet, causing men to
forget they have penises? Or making them forgot what they’re for!” – until next
time, (it’s a new show and I haven’t had a chance to think of a catchphrase),

John Woods 

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