Mehmet Ozil lifts the lid on new Arsenal star’s sex life

Well hello there
shiny happy people, that you all seem to be since the arrival of you know who,
and the realisation that all the time, the manager and the board seem to have
actually been telling the truth, ahh the bliss.

I say return, for as those of you who have followed my
nonsensical ramblings will have noticed my pieces on Gunners Town have
disappeared and my time on Twitter too has become a lot less too.

This is due to the constant depression and abusing that was
growing and growing toward the end of the transfer window. I could take no more
of been called a ‘brainwashed twat’ for saying that I personally believed that
something, no that something big would happen over the last day or two.

Sick of being told to ‘go and suck on Wenger’s dick’ and to
‘bend over and take one of the paedo prick, as you seem to spend so much time
licking his ass’, etc..  Just because I
actually listened to what the great man said, because I noticed that he was the
calmest person involved in our transfer window. While ex-players, ex-managers,
huge blogs and bloggers and the most calm of supporters were all losing their
shit, the boss remained calm, apart from one press conference where he
correctly rounded on the press for making accusations, and repeating the obvious,
brainless and tedious questions that they ask in every single press conference,
well I guess it sums them up really, brainless, obvious and tedious, and you
can add mongs, twats or scum to the end of that quite easily.

Anyways, I’d had enough, so packed the bags and headed for
some fun. First up Electric picnic festival, on the weekend of the NLD. I for
one could go feeling so relaxed, as I believed we’d make big signing(s) and
also beat The Spuds. I didn’t buy the bullshit that because they’d spent nearly
£1b on players and we’d spent nothing that they’d suddenly discover how to play
football. Not for me thanks. At the end of the day, £ notes don’t take to the
pitch, and a higher net spend doesn’t give you an immediate one-goal head
start. I didn’t fall for accepting and believing what the press and pundits
were telling everyone, that we were fucked and the phoenix had risen from the
flames on the other side of North London. No thanks, I tend to make my own mind
up, and I’d already watched their first two games, and had watched our previous
three (Fulham and the two Champs Lge Quals), and while we had just played some
of the best football I’d seen us play for a long time, they just looked so
predictable and monotonous, not even sure if that’s a word I can use for
football, but what the f###. So for me I felt relaxed, unfortunately, most I
could see on the Twitter lines didn’t agree, they’d seemed to have fallen for
the pundit, journo horse-shite.

 So, while taking
abuse, so many ended their conversations with “right, fuck this, we’ll continue
this chat on Tuesday, and you’ll see how much of a twat you are, when we’ve
been hammered by the Spuds and have signed nobody”……Well needless to say, I’ve
yet to continue one, not one of the cretins have raised their depressed little
heads since, ah well, let’s hope it stays that way..

In the middle of all our own fans bashing Wenger there was
an epiphany, a shining ray of light coming from the heavens, some common sense,
and ironically it came from a Spud…. No wait, I’m Irish, I can’t use the term
Spud anymore, I obviously love Spuds.. The sense came from a Spurs supporter,
he was re-tweeted by some Gunner, and it read –

“Ok, so we’ve spent
£109m and counting, but nothing will change come May, as we don’t
have Arsene Wenger”.

Brilliant, and from a Spurs supporter, Sanity, hallelujah,
in the middle of mingey media and fanny mouthed fans, some common sense.

Anyhooo I waffle, so left the planet for the Picnic and then
headed off to Europe, you don’t need to hear all about it, but the ending you
might just want to hear. You see, I’d planned my trip so I would finish in
Vienna, in time to watch Ireland hopefully cling on to a glimmer of hope of
qualifying for the World cup. This is where it got interesting. I got to Vienna
a day or two before the game, tried to get their before the rest of the Paddy’s
to give my liver a rest. Did a bit of sightseeing, but of course ended in a
bar. While there, while sampling the lovely local brew’s, I noticed a guy
coming in and out from behind the bar. He looked so familiar, but I couldn’t
put my finger on it.

Mehmet
Ozil.

You see him, I wasn’t too sure, but I had to ask. So I
strolled up to the end of the bar and got chatting. It turns out his name is
Mehmet, wait for it, Mehmet Ozil, none only than the brother of the bar owner,
our very own newly Cannonised Gunner, Mesut. The bar was pretty empty, and he
was in the mood to talk, so I ordered a beer for me and a cappuccino for him
and away we went.

ME : So tell me what was he (Mesut Ozil) like growing up?

Mehmet : Ah he was great fun, a really great brother, a
great footballer obviously, but I learned quickly enough to keep any new
girlfriends away from him.

Me : Really, why was that?

Mehmet : Oh Jesus, the guy is like an Octopus around women,
all arms, eye’s and feelers, ye know what I mean. And the women loved him, even
more so before the accident.

Me : The Accident?

Mehmet : Ye, the day he nearly died. He nearly drowned. He
was out playing football in the snow, and didn’t realise that he was actually
on a frozen pond and he went through it. He was under for ages, he was panicking
obviously and couldn’t find the hole through which he’d just fallen through. It
was only the fact that my uncle had been keeping an eye on him and noticed he’d
disappeared, noticed the big hole in the ice and jumped in and saved him.

Me : Oh my god, so what happened, was he in a coma or
anything like that?

Mehmet : Not at all. The doctors say he should’ve been brain
damaged at the least, as he was under with no oxygen for so long. It wasn’t
possible that he’d held his breath that long, and anyway there’s nobody in our
family with a history of being able to hold their breath for a long time, well
maybe Uncle Hamit,  he plays the Sax, but
that’s not really holding your breath. Anyway Mesut claims that something came
to him under there, and kept blowing into his mouth whenever he’d need air. We
thought he was mad, but when we went and saw him in the hospital we realised
that something had happened, as all of a sudden it looked as if his eyes were
being squeezed out of their sockets. You see they weren’t like that before he
went in the pond. He still swears there was something down there with him. Well
I I guess, Tarzan was found by monkeys, and we always joked he was found by a
blowfish. Hence his nickname – “Hooty”.

Me : How did that affect him?

Mehmet : Only in good ways. I guess when you come that close
to death you look forward to every single thing you’ve got. You don’t want to
waste a second. He just really concentrated on the 2 things he loves, football
and women. He didn’t let his new eye problem get in the way of his woman
chasing, if anything it made him even more aggressive in the chase as he felt
he’d something to make up for.

Me : So what do you think about the things Florentino Perez
has said?

Mehmet : Hahaha probably all true. But if he’s that good at
football after been up all night shagging beautiful women, then imagine how
good he’ll be when he’s under Wenger’s watchful eye in the team hotel on away
Champions League games, frightening.

I’ll tell you a funny story about when he signed for Madrid.
He actually thought he was going to Fiorentina (got mixed up with Florentina
wants you), and he would’ve been happy to go to Fiorentina, as he thought it’d
be a step closer to getting to Milan for Burlesconi’s Bunga Bunga parties.

Me : Hahaha, sure who can blame him. Did he say anything to
you about Gareth Bale signing for Madrid before he’d left them?

Mehmet : Not much really, he hadn’t heard of the team he
came from, and he didn’t realise that the guy even played football, but he
thought he was very good playing Clive in that Clint Eastwood movie.

Listen mate I’ve really got to go, it’s been a pleasure
talking, here’s my number (throws down card) give me a ring anytime, I mean it,
anytime.

Wow, that was random, very cool but random.

So I headed off, still amazed, then watched Ireland fail
miserably in trying to qualify, and now I’m home. And I though well as good a
time as any to write up a little piece, as everyone seems to be in good form
again since Ozil’s arrival.

So just before I typed this up, I decided to ring Mehmet,
just to see if he’d spoken to Mesut after his first day training, unveiling and
interview. He had.

ME : Heh Mehmet, any word from your bro?

Mehmet : Yes sir Woodmeister, he rang this evening, he loves
the place. He loves the strip, reminds him of his favourite red dress and white
lingerie combo. He loves Arsene Wenger, but said he felt a bit weird when he
saw him in shorts, he bent down to pick up a football and he thought it was his
old Geography teacher he used to have a thing for.

He loves the fact that there doesn’t seem to be many huge
ego’s prancing around preening themselves, and that even the players who’s
position he might be taking have made him feel so welcome. He also said that he
most definitely isn’t gay, but he got a real urge to pounce on Olivier Giroud
when he saw him in the shower (well he is human after all.) So he’s going to
try and assist him as much as possible, so he comes running over and jumps on
top of him as much as possible. That’s all he said, then he had to dash as he
was picking two ladies up at 1 am in Soho and heading for a club, some things
never change.

Well there you go, an insight into the real Mesut Ozil.

Well that was all for a bit of fun. But there one thing that
really pissed me off during all the crap of the window, and it was the abuse
Arsene got. The abuse I get I can handle, but I hate seeing him getting slagged
off. People saying that he’s just lining his own pockets etc. Well as was shown
in a quote I read today, he still refuses to sign a new deal (even after
signing Ozil) as he says he’ll be the one to judge if he’s been a success or
not at the end of the season. Now, call me a stupid fuck, but surely a man who
was only thinking of himself and his own pockets would sign up to a 3 year
deal, so even if he was sacked in the summer, he’d still walk away with a
massive pay off. So please this bollocks should stop for once and for all.

“He’ll never spend any money, Wenger out!”, they said,

“He can’t attract the top players anymore, Wenger out!” they
said,

Well in true Arsene Wenger style he did, and some. In one
foul swoop he blew that argument out of the water, in his own way, by sitting
silent when all around were mouthing off, then…BANG.

So in future I think we should forget what “They” say, and
concentrate on what “HE” says. He said he was waiting on/working on getting
only top, top class, and he delivered. And I think the fact that he went
looking for Ba on loan proved that there were no top, top class strikers
available so he wasn’t going to give a 3 – 4 year contract to one that wasn’t
top, top class, a sign that the quality levels have risen. So please actually
start listening to the man again, and stop taking advise off TV pundits, like
the MOTD crew, or a half pencil/half vein with a Scottish accent, and a walrus
shaped sock puppet, neither of which have kicked a football in anger in
generations.

Anyhow, let’s enjoy our new world class friend, and the
options he can bring to our team. I get the feeling that as Arsene couldn’t get
his hands on a top class striker, he may be changing the tactic’s a little bit,
so that Giroud can bring the midfielders into the game more and they then
become our main goalscorers. Again, you may call me a stupid fuck, but that’s
just what I be thinking.

Anyway I know it hasn’t been a perfect summer, as I know we
could’ve got more in, but I also realise the reasons why that didn’t happen. So
let’s just sit back and relax, enjoy the ride, cos it could just be a good one.
After all our closest neighbours are being managed by the re-incarnation of Les
Dawson

(Well his voice
anyway), and a 2nd in command that hasn’t evolved properly, or is
actually Devolving back into a newt or a ghecko (Fruend, crawling round on all
4’s). Jose only went back to Chelsea, cos he actually really wants to find the
medal he threw away. Brendan Rogers looks like something that would block an
artery, and Moyes, well Moyes is Moyes thank God. Give me Arsene over all of
them, thanks. Especially The Arsene who may have just found his wallet and his
Mojo again.

Enjoy, and keep it real, #UTA.

John Woods

Follow @woodysirish

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