Exclusive – Ozil’s New Contract

Exclusive- Ozil’s New Contract

With the New Year fast approaching and rumours abound that Ozil is off to Turkey / Italy / A N Other place , The Arsenal are rewriting Mesut’s job description, to get some use out of him before he sees out his contract and try to offset the obscene waste of a third of a million a week.

Ozil Signs

My mate down the pub, who knows the sister of the plumber at London Colney, managed to sneak a peek of the draft contract and sent me a telegram of the latest version.

Below is a summary of Ozil’s new roles and responsibilities:

7.00am – Report to Gladys at the London Colney reception and pick up the order form. 

Grab a pencil and head to the admin office. There you will take everyone’s order and then drive to Starbucks and collect the coffee and muffins.Receipt

8.30am – Meet Jim at the loading dock. He will give you the hose and the vacuum.

Monday, Wednesday and Friday is premium wash day for the team coach.

Tuesday and Thursday is hose only for Edu’s and Mikel’s cars. Be careful, you don’t want to get on the wrong side of those 2, you never know what might happen !!!


10.00am – It’s off to The Armoury.

There, you will collect the iron from Beryl and she will give you the squad numbers that need to be pressed onto the shirts for sale. Don’t worry if she doesn’t give you any number 10’s, we don’t sell them anymore.

Ozil 10

12.00pm – Albert will take you to the pitch, as you’ve probably forgotten where that is these days.

He will arm you with a ruler and a pair of scissors. Then you will measure each blade of grass and if any are over 5mm, use the scissors to trim back to the required length.

Grass length

After that, you can go home and play Fortnite.

Ozil Fortnite

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10 Responses to Exclusive – Ozil’s New Contract

  1. Lateef Ogundimu December 31, 2020 at 8:31 am #

    Such a rigorous job for a third of million quids? he needs a supervisor to ensure its done to the letter …. That’s where I fit in perfectly… anything for the favorite AFC… Don’t mention

    • John Belcher December 31, 2020 at 3:56 pm #

      I have been mystified by the Ozil sitiation until it occurred to me that Mezut has made known his feelings about the treatment of minorities in several countries, including China … and that Stan Kronke is an American billionaire with, no doubt, big interests in China! Reading between the lines, Kronke has been told by influential people in China to keep Ozil out of the team. Ozil, himself, has been severly criticized for not taking a pay cut during lockdown – and I was scathing about that, intil I found out that he has been sending large donations to assist ethnic minorities in some pretty undemocratic countries. These are my opinions, based on hearsay and newspaper reports, but I believe that Mezut Ozil has been ‘gagged’ for political reasons – so good luck to him for sticking to his values.

  2. London BFG December 31, 2020 at 10:17 am #

    Really? This is what you can come up with? Shameful at best

  3. Kevin December 31, 2020 at 10:43 am #

    And its ozils fault for signing this ludicrous contract. No one to blame bug the top boys ag club and all this bcoz farteta doesn’t fancy him as a player. Get over yourselves at the Emirates, at this rate ozil will outlast the manager again.

  4. George Hopkins December 31, 2020 at 8:11 pm #

    Although I know it was written in fun I think the writer needs to have his head examined. Why would you disrespect one of the best players in Arsenal’s history. A World Cup winner who as accomplished more then anyone on the current Gunners squad right now. This is the state of the English mentality as it relates to football. You guys don’t know dittle squat and will never be good enough to win the World Cup. Arteta just doesn’t have the internal fortitude to stand up to corporate pressure that is why Ozil is not playing.

    • Dave Seager January 1, 2021 at 9:39 am #

      Best Players in our history? Honestly I have no idea which Arsenal you have bene watching. I have been going since 1976 and I doubt he would make a third best 11 to be honest.

    • Ronald Catton January 1, 2021 at 9:54 am #

      Ozil, one of the best Arsenal players in our
      What is that guy George Hopkins smoking? To even have the cheek of thought to put Ozil in the same bracket as an Henry, Wright, Bergkamp, Pires, Viera, Adams, Parlour, Rocastle ‘to name but a few’ is an insult to our club. Even Sanchez did more for Arsenal than that overpaid part timer. Even when he was in squad sheet ‘regularly’ he could not often play due to some ailment, and could never do anything in away games either! All those who think he would have made, or could make a difference now, are very deluded. Be glad when that overpaid gamer is out of the Colney door for good!

  5. Wellmington December 31, 2020 at 9:54 pm #

    Chill out guys, it’s just a bit of fun

  6. Kene January 1, 2021 at 7:11 am #

    Very worthless article. Please show some respect to this guy. None of the current players in Arsenal has achieved what he has achieved in his career. The team lacks creativity and leadership. The owners need to improve this football club or go on relegation. Thanks

  7. allezkev January 2, 2021 at 4:22 am #

    I thought the comments of Liam Brady on Mesut Ozil recently were quite illuminating.

    Now Brady really was one of the best players in Arsenal’s history.

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