Exclusive- Ozil’s New Contract
With the New Year fast approaching and rumours abound that Ozil is off to Turkey / Italy / A N Other place , The Arsenal are rewriting Mesut’s job description, to get some use out of him before he sees out his contract and try to offset the obscene waste of a third of a million a week.
My mate down the pub, who knows the sister of the plumber at London Colney, managed to sneak a peek of the draft contract and sent me a telegram of the latest version.
Below is a summary of Ozil’s new roles and responsibilities:
7.00am – Report to Gladys at the London Colney reception and pick up the order form.
Grab a pencil and head to the admin office. There you will take everyone’s order and then drive to Starbucks and collect the coffee and muffins.
8.30am – Meet Jim at the loading dock. He will give you the hose and the vacuum.
Monday, Wednesday and Friday is premium wash day for the team coach.
Tuesday and Thursday is hose only for Edu’s and Mikel’s cars. Be careful, you don’t want to get on the wrong side of those 2, you never know what might happen !!!
10.00am – It’s off to The Armoury.
There, you will collect the iron from Beryl and she will give you the squad numbers that need to be pressed onto the shirts for sale. Don’t worry if she doesn’t give you any number 10’s, we don’t sell them anymore.
12.00pm – Albert will take you to the pitch, as you’ve probably forgotten where that is these days.
He will arm you with a ruler and a pair of scissors. Then you will measure each blade of grass and if any are over 5mm, use the scissors to trim back to the required length.
After that, you can go home and play Fortnite.