DB’S SILLY SEASON DIARY 2014: Sanchez Signs, Mathieu Materialises and Khedira Kidnapped
So, last year it was Mesut. Fucking. Özil, and the rise of the umlaut. This year, it’s Alexis. Fucking. Sánchez and an attack of acute hysteria. Yes, the thingy over the “a” is called an acute, in case you were wondering.
Just hours before the Puma kit launch, those of us whose desire to cling onto the “not until it’s on .com” approach was dwindling were rewarded when the signing of Sanchez was confirmed on .com. What a joy it was to see the elation among the Arsenal Twittersphere.
The fact that a lot of people have only just removed the umlauts from their Twitter handles to replace them with an acute should be enough to dispel any lingering doubts that Özil was just some one-off panic buy that somehow fell into our laps, never to be repeated.
Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, of course, but I’ve always thought that idea to be a bit daft.
Especially the panic buy bit, I mean, Mesut. Fucking. Özil is the world’s best number 10, not a packet of Johnny’s from Texaco at 3am on the way home from grab-a-munter night.
Arsene Wenger – The Seducer
If this World Cup has taught me anything, it’s that Arsene Wenger is fucking cool.
The man’s been chilling on the beach with half naked women, executing diving headers while playing beach volleyball, and emerging from the sea like Daniel fucking Craig. All of that while managing to “seduce” one of world footballs hottest properties into leaving Barcelona to join Arsenal.
What. A. Man.
Now, before anyone accuses this of being an “AKB Wenger love in” or whatever, it really isn’t meant that way, I’m simply giving the man his due. He’s taken a hell of a lot of abuse in recent summers, so if you have a problem with someone giving him a bit of praise then, well, that’s your problem, frankly.
I’m not saying the Sanchez signing is 100% down to Arsene, the way this deal has been done, everyone at the club involved deserves huge credit, I just don’t think it should be understated how important the Wenger factor must have been, as it was with Özil last year. Plus, the idea of Arsene “seducing” him into playing for us is pure gold.
Anyway, whatever the why’s and wherefores it’s fantastic to feel such a buzz around The Arsenal again.
Such a contrast to this time last year when we were all getting mighty twitchy about the transfer window and the coming season.
It’s been quite a week, with the capture of The Acute One announced just hours before the Puma kit launch, and on taking my family to have our photos taken with the FA Cup, you could actually feel the upbeat atmosphere around the Emirates, let’s hope it stays that way, there are other areas of the squad that need to be addressed after all. Not that I’m worried we won’t do that.
Indeed, as I write this on Monday after Arsenal’s World Cup win, there is a huge buzz going around about us signing Sami Khedira.
Sell Me Sami
If Arsene “seduced” Sanchez, then I don’t know what the word is for what Lukas Podolski and co. seem to be doing with Khedira. It falls somewhere just short of kidnap, I think, as he doesn’t seem to have left their side since Sunday night. I found myself double checking all those photos of the four of them together to make sure he wasn’t shackled to Poldi at one point.
Reports on Wednesday suggest a fee has been agreed with Real Madrid, although personal terms could be a problem. This is obviously where Agent Poldi comes in. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if the fee being agreed was a prank call from Poldi’s Party Bus….
“We’ve got your boy, Sami, and he’s not coming back. How much? Jah, we got that….AHA!”
Photos of our three Germans and Khedira with the World Cup have led to the Fox Mulder’s among us to be convinced there’s more to it than meets the eye already, and I want this deal to happen purely to hear Khedira’s first interview.
“So, Sami, what convinced you to join Arsenal?”
“I’m not actually sure what happened, one minute I was celebrating with the World Cup, next thing I know, Poldi and Per Mertesacker are bundling me into a cab with Rihanna and the World Cup and I woke up at London Colney a couple of weeks later. AND I DON’T EVEN DRINK!”
In all seriousness, I’m not allowing myself to get carried away with all this.
The “not until it’s on .com” approach has worked fine up to now, and as I said here two weeks ago in my last piece, if you go around Googling the arse out of everything that you hear, you may as well be looking at photos of cats with their head in bread.
Yeah, there was a point to all those cat photos the other week, did you think I’d gone mad or something?
We’ll see how this one pans out anyway, but at the moment (Thursday) it looks like a classic Silly Season scenario, with a whole load of contradictory bullshit flying about all over the place, mostly from “sources” that either don’t exist or have no fucking idea what’s going on, so I’ll steer clear and see what happens.
I think on one day Arsenal had bid, hadn’t bid, and he wanted to stay at Real Madrid.
Remember people…cats in bread.
Pass Debuchy ‘pon de right hand side
I’d almost forgotten about him, to be honest.
Mathieu Debuchy’s signing was announced on Thursday night, which surprised nobody I would say. It had become clear that this announcement was being delayed while Newcastle got their shit together in officially announcing their new right back, despite him already being pictured looking rather nervous next to Alan Pardew a few days earlier.
Let’s face it, who wouldn’t be nervous being pictured with Alan Pardew? Creepy looking cunt. Even that picture looks like it’s been pulled off of a dogging website of some sort.
It’s gone so quiet, you Khedira a pin drop.
If ever there were anything to highlight exactly why I write this diary, it’s the Khedira situation. A few days ago there seemed to be a hell of a lot of smoke around for there to be no fire. Now (Friday) it looks like that smoke could easily have come from his agent lighting a big fat Cuban cigar with 100 euro notes.
The Fox Mulder’s are also pursuing the theory that the fact it went so quiet for a few days before the Debuchy signing was announced means it’s possible the same is happening with Khedira.
You see what happens? The Silly Season fucks with your mind, and you start believing in conspiracies, smokescreens and bullshit. In all fairness though, it hasn’t been that bad this year. I guess a couple of early signings eases the fear we’ll endure another tortuous summer, and calms us all down a bit.
And with that calm comes common sense, it seems, as most have adopted “if he wants too much money, fuck him” approach, as opposed to “FOR FUCKS SAKE, WENGER, GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS!!”
That’s all for this week, and as Fox Mulder has cropped up a few times this week, perhaps we can learn something from his own words…
Trust No One.
The Truth is Out There…..But No Cunt Knows What it is…
Islington born and bred, Arsenal through and through. Supported the Gunners for all of my 46 years (so far!) through thick and thin.
Clickbait: Life as a Modern Football Fan – released 2019
Currently working on my next book – Over Land and Sea (and Lockdown), Arsenal 20/21 – A Diary of a Season – due for release Summer 2021.
I will back the club I have in my blood to the hilt and I don’t care what you think about that. UTA.
AGAINST MODERN FOOTBALL.