Arsenal were plunged deeper into crisis last night, as their second poor performance in a week means they are now on the verge of being voted out of football by the public.
Despite winning both games, the fact that football teams are now judged on performance, rather than results, the Gunners only chance of glory is Alexis Sanchez ditching his team mates and performing as a solo artist.
Arsene Wenger was still in defiant mood last night when interviewed on Match of the Day by Dermot O’Leary “I don’t care how many records she’s sold, she’s still had Ashley Cole blow his beans up her muff” said the beleaguered Arsenal boss.
Ok, I think it’s fair to say that this hasn’t been the start to the season that we were hoping for.
But for the love of God, can we please just be a little satisfied with results, regardless of performance, for at least five minutes after the final whistle?
I’m honest enough to admit that our performances haven’t been at the level they should be, but I have this ground-breaking information – football matches are decided by the amount of goals each team scores. Thus, the team that scores most goals wins!
This is why we have such things as goals, and matches are not decided by a panel of judges or the general public.
I know, I know, it’s way out there, and I know that social media cannot function on this level, but just think of me as your escape from the cauldron of c*ntery that is Twitter this week.
Honestly, there seems to be some kind of outrage every day. This even causes #OutrageOutrage, when people are outraged about people’s outrage, or even lack of it!
I’ve been drawn in myself, we all have, but sometimes you just need to look at things a little differently.
There are obviously some important issues being discussed out there, and I’m not belittling them in any way, but if there is anything the last few weeks have taught me, its how much I want to get back to simply being someone who enjoys watching Arsenal.
When I say enjoy, I don’t mean aesthetically.
I want to go to the pub, have a pre-match beer with friends.
Then I want to go to the game, where I will shout, sing, swear and lose myself for ninety minutes.
I’ll be happy after a win and over celebrate in the pub afterwards, or pissed off after a loss, or a draw in a game that we should win, and forget about it for a few hours until the next day, rather than spend all f***ing night going over it on the internet.
If I’m not at the game, I want to drink beer in my front room and swear at the telly for ninety minutes.
If it’s not on the telly, I want to search for a jerky stream that freezes every few minutes and every so often a pop up ad for an online casino or “single mums need cock” will appear on the screen.
Sorry if this seems like I’m trying to tell you how you should and shouldn’t act.
This is just my opinion.
And we’ve all been reminded that everybody is entitled to an opinion this week.
Perhaps I’ll make some stickers or a banner…..
Anyway, you will no doubt be pleased to hear that I’ve written to the internet, and put to them my proposal for a new version of twitter.
The recent inclusion of the mute button was a step in the right direction, but I feel we need more buttons;
The Cute Fluffy Bunny Button
Whenever things get too much, this button will transform your timeline into nothing but sweetness and light.
Obviously, this button must NOT be used on Michael Owen….
Just imagine how much nicer the virtual world would be when the news breaks that our latest injury crisis means we are left with just three senior players, or that Arsene has signed someone with a shattered pelvis, and your timeline consists of the entire lyrics of “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” rather than the usual meltdown.
The Bizzaro Button
Picture this – we’ve been beaten by Spurs at home (I know, but stay with me here), and everybody’s tweets are reversed.
#WengerOUT becomes #OneArseneWenger, and vice versa. The angry man suddenly starts using #GoonerFamily…..
This wouldn’t serve as useful a purpose as the fluffy bunny button, but it would be enough fun that you’ve forgotten the result within half an hour.
The Transparency Button
You know when people tweet something, carefully choosing their words so they can say “I didn’t say that did I?” But we all know exactly what it is they are actually getting at.
The transparency button translates the tweet into what they’re actually getting at.
No more hiding behind sly little digs, matey.
The Flip Flop Button
This is more of an in-app game.
If you hit the button a split second before someone changes their stance to the latest fad, you gain points.
Similar to the flip-flop button, but more for the use of the flip-floppers themselves.
Hit the bandwagon button when you feel in need of attention and you’re automatically pushed in the direction of what’s “in” today, thus saving you from making a tit of yourself by people using the transparency button.
The Irony Button
Kind of an extension to the previous two, this is almost self-explanatory. We’ve all read a tweet and thought “that’s rich, coming from you. You say that, but you also said…..”
Hit the irony button and……BINGO!
The Couldn’t Give a Toss, Get a Life, Saddo Button
“RT for such and such, Fav for so and so” ……you can see how this works.
I’m hoping to hear back from the internet soon, you can all thank me later.
Forgive me for not taking things too seriously this week, it’s just that I find analysing why we were so shit difficult while I’m nursing carpet burns from doing a knee slide in front of the TV in my pants after coming from 1-0 down to 2-1 up in the dying minutes of a game.
I find football more enjoyable that way (I don’t mean in my pants), which is the whole point I’m trying to make this week.
Sometimes people are so eager to come up with the solution to all of our problems they’ve forgotten how to enjoy winning a game, however it’s won. I’m not saying everything in the garden is rosy, I’m not a deluded AKB Cultist Club Apologist Wenger sycophant, and there is a cause for concern over our recent form, but winning an away game in Europe, followed by an away victory the following Saturday at least softens that blow!
So, to summarise, two wins this week, both coming from two less than great performances, but at the moment if there is a choice between dominating a game and losing it (which, let’s be honest, we’ve seen plenty of over the years) or putting up with 89 minutes of cack and winning it, then hit me with a steaming hot pile of cack please.
After all, a dog doesn’t care what he looks like when he’s licking his own balls, he’s just happy with the fact he can lick his own balls.
Up The Arsenal
Islington born and bred, Arsenal through and through. Supported the Gunners for all of my 46 years (so far!) through thick and thin.
Clickbait: Life as a Modern Football Fan – released 2019
Currently working on my next book – Over Land and Sea (and Lockdown), Arsenal 20/21 – A Diary of a Season – due for release Summer 2021.
I will back the club I have in my blood to the hilt and I don’t care what you think about that. UTA.
AGAINST MODERN FOOTBALL.