Things have been quite on the inside information front recently. I blame the Australian lock downs and the utter crapness of Australia Post to be able to deliver anything. Apparently my latest phone tap from London Conley left Hertfordshire 6 weeks ago, landed at Sydney 2 days later and took 5 weeks to travel 10 kms to my letter box.
Anyway, my second cousin’s (twice removed) dog walkers, grandmother’s, postman got the transcript below from Edu’s, cleaners, ex boyfriend, so is definitely legit.
7.30 Monday morning and Edu arrives at his office for his weekly Brazilian and early morning coffee. Sitting down at his desk, he pulls out his rolodex and head straight to Z.
After a couple of attempts, he finally gets the he hears a familiar tone.
“Bonjour, who is dis?”
“Hey Zizou, my man, how’s it hanging, bro?”
“ Excuse e moi, but who is dis? Bro?”
“Hey man, come on, it’s Edu, we do lots of business”
“Nah boss, it’s EDU, Mikel’s mate, you know, you lend us things from time to time”
“Ah, oui, Edu, Mikel, owned by ze short armed American. Ze one with all the money, but very little interest in spending it”
“Sim, sim, that’s the one, don’t remind me. Anyway, I have a proposition or two, if you are interested? And in return I have some you’ve been looking for, for a few years now”
“Ok, ok, go on I’m listening”
“Look, I know times are hard in España. Money is tight. The Real Federación Española de Fútbol, is cracking down on yours (and Barca’s) dodgy dealings. So I thought, you know, help you out, being such good friend and all and like I said, I’ve got something I know you want”
“Ami? That’s a bit of a stretch, but continue, Eduuuu? Did I say it right?”
“Yeah, ok, anyway, you know you helped us, sorry we helped you before? Remember, we looked after Dani for a couple of years and then Ode, who liked it so much he stayed. Well, you see, I thought we might help you again. Lighten your load, so to speak.”
“Well as you know, we are having to strip our costs, so to speak, so, go on”
“Right, well, you see, our strikers are getting on a bit and are basically dragging up our average age. We have a long term plan, you see. We have a goal, to get the combined age of our starting 11 to a maximum of 253 and, well, the old guys up front are adding 12 years to our target. It just isn’t working for us. So, we thought…”
Edu, then takes a deep breath, the whole conversation has been leading up to this, he knows he needs to get this right, otherwise it’s gonna go all Pete Tong.
“Sorry, where was I, oh yeah, average age, target 23, right. Ummmm, any chance, you know, if it’s cool with you, that you can lend us Jovic and sell us Asensio in January? If it’s not too much bother?”
It goes quiet, too quiet and then Edu hears some mumbling in the background.
“Jovic, Frankfurt, not getting Karim’s job, um, yeah that could work, maybe they’ll buy him in the summer, like they did with Ode, yeah, that sounds like a plan. Marco, well, he’s not setting the world alight, I could ask for, say, €40m. I’m sure tight fisted Stan would sanction that, I mean that’s a match day takings at a Rams game, so I reckon, yeah, why not…….”
Before Zindane has a chance to respond properly, Edu jumps in.
“DEAL. Sorted, I’ll get the paper work to you tomorrow. Merci Monsieur. Oh and by the way, my end of the deal. Matterazzi’s new address is ……..”
English by birth, Australian by choice. Traffic Engineer, Arsenal ST Holder, Sun DreamTeam Winner, Writer on @GunnersTown, Depeche Mode, Welcome to my world…