Week 10 – Five Sleeps to Go….

Well,
that went quick all of a sudden didn’t it? The final week of this pre-season
diary already!

When I started doing this blog ten weeks ago, my aim was to capture the
changing moods and emotions we go through as Arsenal supporters during the
close season. The highs (yeah, I know) and lows we experience during this
rollercoaster time of year.

I think we can all agree that we were hoping for a few more “highs” by
now, and it has been a bit more like a Waltzer than Nemesis Inferno, spinning
round in circles until you are dizzy, rather than being a thrill a minute white
knuckle ride.

Still, at least we haven’t sold our captain this year. He is injured
though…

Anyway, after experiencing some vile tweets, hearing our own fans
suggesting it would be better to lose a pre-season game – after dismissing pre-season friendlies as being meaningless just a
couple of weeks ago – witnessing quite baffling bandwagon jumping from
unexpected parties, I really have had enough of it. So, for starters this week
I was thinking of having a bit of a laugh. I’ve always thought of Arsenal fans
to be quite a funny bunch believe it or not, and rather than mock our own club,
how about we focus our mocking and hatred outwards instead?

Let us forget the transfer window for a minute and have a good laugh, it
will make you feel better, I promise.

And David
Brent, leads us nicely to the first figures of ridicule I bring to you this
week…

Brendan
Rodgers and Liverpool

The Luis Suarez saga has brought back feelings that I, and many other Arsenal
supporters of my generation, grew up with – a rather strong dislike of all
things Liverpool. Liverpool were the team when I was at school, and
given the fact that I grew up and went to school up the road from The Arsenal,
any kids that “supported” Liverpool in my school were glory-hunting little
c*nts. This last couple of weeks have proved this to still be the case. They
are fucking hilarious, the lot of them, and just look at their manager, what a
stupid looking fucker.

And the crap the man comes out with! Anyone who can say the words “I’ve always worked
along the statistic, that if you can dominate the game with the ball you have a
79% chance of winning a game of football” and not be David
Brent, deserves to be severely beaten about the head.

Jose
Mourinho

So, we all know about Jose, eh? He has that cocky, arrogant swagger about
him, doesn’t he? He’s got that sneering, charismatic demeanour all the
frustrated housewives love, doesn’t he? I mean, love him or hate him, he’s the
kind of character we need in football isn’t he? Bollocks. I hate to shatter any
illusions, but just forget the hype and take a look at this c*nt.
I mean, really look at him. If this
bloke didn’t spend his summers spending someone else’s money, he would be
parading about on a beach somewhere, in a pair of ill-fitting budgie smugglers complete
with sock down the front, touching himself.

I hate to go all ITK on you, but I have it on good authority that before
a press conference, Jose stands in front of a full length mirror, naked,
stroking his tiny member, which he has affectionately, and unoriginally, named
“little special one”, flanked by John Terry and Frank Lampard as fluffers,
tickling his wrinkly grey testicles with blue feather dusters, with that
trademarked curled top lip sneer, telling himself how “special” he is. Yes,
Chelsea may have spent a few quid more than us this summer, but this is only to
keep this ridiculous looking man away from beaches everywhere. Fact.

Gareth Bale

Yes, there is every chance that monkey boy will be rolling around on the
turf in sunnier climes this coming season, so all the more reason to rip the
piss out of him before he fucks off then eh? Right…

Gareth’s mum still brushes his hair for him every morning, and sends him
off to training with a large packed lunch, which he is often forced to share
with Tom Huddlestone.

Gareth has trademarked a sketch of his “Eleven of Hearts” celebration,
which I am prevented from showing here. I do however have the original sketch
that this was taken from, which you can see below next to Gareth, with hair by
Mother Bale…

This leads me nicely once more to my final figures of fun, and they have
been making us laugh now for many a year…

Tottenham
Fans

Pretty bloody obvious, but no harm in being reminded just how much fun
we’ve gotten out of that lot over the years. “1-1 at Newcastle” will be funny
for ever and ever and ever, of course, but I was recently pointed in the
direction of a man named Daniel Wynne (cheers Mel – @40shewore). I advise you
to take one minute and fifty two seconds of your time to watch this, if you
haven’t already seen it. Or if you have for that matter, again, it will never
get old…

What a complete
and utter fucking bellend.

Feeling any
better yet? No? How about a fun free giveaway?

There’s not
long of this transfer window left now, and to make it less stressful for you, I’m
giving away your very own free cut out and keep Transfer Window Buzzword Bingo!
Simply print this out and take it everywhere with you, first one to complete
a full house gets, erm, nothing. Just a bit of fun.

The Serious Bit…

The season
is now upon us, and I don’t know about you but I can’t wait. This is what it’s
all about. This is why we are football supporters. I will be going into this
season in the same way I have been since I was a kid going to Highbury. To me,
it’s The Arsenal against them, whoever “they” may be, they are the enemy. We
have enough enemies outside the tent spitting in – we always have had – but it
makes it easier for those outside when we are all standing inside the tent
spitting at each other.

You may not
agree with me, but the way I see it, I didn’t choose to be an Arsenal supporter
– it chose me. Sorry if that sounds a bit corny, but I couldn’t give a shit, it
sounds a whole lot better than wanting your own team to lose. You can support
The Arsenal if you hate the manager, half the players and the beer inside the
stadium. If you ever want The Arsenal to fail, just to prove you are right
then, quite frankly, you are doing this “supporting” thing all wrong.

The thing
is, if you think Arsene Wenger’s time is up, you have more than enough to go
on, to be honest. But in my eyes it’s unforgiveable and nigh on blasphemous to
not want The Arsenal to win every single game, and don’t tell me that it just
shows how much of a state the club is in that it makes people feel that way,
because that’s bullshit.

So, I urge
you to get behind The Arsenal from this Saturday and onwards, whether you are
going to the game, watching it on a stream from anywhere in the world, or
sitting at home with a fucking bin bag over your head hoping we will lose.

Until next week, when the pre-season diary becomes an, erm, season diary, and
hopefully celebrating our first win of the season.

Up The Arsenal.

Darren Berry 

Follow @DBerry1974

Darren Berry

Islington born and bred, Arsenal through and through.

Published author.

Is Yours Gold? The Arsenal Invincibles Twentieth Anniversary – available now,

Over Land and Sea (and Lockdown), Arsenal 20/21 – The Corona Diaires – released 2021.

Clickbait: Life as a Modern Football Fan – released 2019