Happy New Season, everyone!
Not quite the start we wanted at home to West Ham, all that optimism after a great pre-season, and the feeling that this could be “our year” killed stone dead after a home defeat in the first game of the season.
At 1.30pm we were in the best position we had been in years, by 3.30pm it was the end of the world.
Imagine if that were actually true?
Imagine a world where the entire rest of the season is determined by what happens in the first game. I’m not talking just as an indication of what’s to come throughout the season here, but the extremes that some people seem to take things to.
Well for a start some of us wouldn’t be here, after the Apocalypse of 2013 caused the suicide of millions of Arsenal supporters around the globe.
But for us, the survivors of the Apocalypse, the rest of the 2015-16 season would go something like this……
Chuba Akpom’s superb run of goal scoring form continues to come back and haunt Arsene Wenger, as he nets his 900th goal of the season before Christmas.
Reece Oxford’s extraordinary rise continues, as he becomes the world’s first one hundred and fifty billion pound teenager when signing for Barcelona in the January transfer window.
The siege of Stamford Bridge continues, as Jose Mourinho holds the last remaining members of Chelsea staff hostage on the roof of the stadium, having completely lost the plot and brutally murdered the rest of them for doing the slightest thing to take the spotlight off of him.
The search for the missing Karim Benzema also continues, an extensive search of Radio Yorkshire and some fame hungry model bird’s ample cleavage is on-going…..
You see? Ridiculous isn’t it?
If you thought the win at Palace would calm things down then you obviously forgot that although the football season has begun, the Silly Season still has a couple of weeks to go. With this in mind, I’ve put together a guide to hopefully help you through this tough time of year…… DB’s Guide to Being an Arsenal Fan During the Transfer Window
The first thing you need to do here is compile a series of lists, because the internet does love a list. The following are essential;
A list of players other teams have signed including individual prices, total spend, and if you really want to make yourself appear relevant, NET spend. (Even if you don’t really know what it means….just chuck it out there…)
Also, be sure not to only include direct rivals for the title but literally every team in the world. This way you can really emphasise that EVERYBODY HAS STRENGTHENED APART FROM US.
A list of players Arsenal have let go during the summer, again including individual and total fees. You can really push this one by speculating how much this frees up on the wage bill. Include whoever you want on this list, including some kid from the under 7’s who we brought in after seeing videos of him doing keepy uppy’s on the internet, but it turned out he was actually a bit shit at football.
A list of Arsenal “targets”, that have gone to other clubs. By targets, this of course means names that have been launched onto the internet by people who have no idea who our targets were, are, or will be. Or, if you want to make yourself feel really important, who YOU feel our targets should be.
Once these lists are compiled you can use them to form a series of tweets. This can be a series of tweets one after the other, with or without the use of pagination;
for example “Stoke have signed…….. and we have only signed Cech…. 1/300 ……”
Or you can send them out at random times throughout the day, the choice is yours.
Be sure to include hashtags such as #GroundhogDay and #dejavu because if nothing else it’s amusing to imagine someone searching twitter for the hilarious film from 1993 starring Bill Murray, only to find a bunch of grown adults complaining about a football club “being 2 or 3 players short….AGAIN!”
It goes without saying that there are two ways of looking at the transfer window, so it’s only right to include the more “positive” guide too.
You can use similar lists to those mentioned above, you just use them in a slightly different way.
For example, you use the list of players that have gone elsewhere to compare to players we already have, and question “whether they would improve us.” I say question, but it’s not like you’re asking for an answer here.
I could go on, but as a general rule, if you decide to lean towards either of these two approaches, is to simply cross reference your own lists with those taking the opposite approach.
Your tweets can then be composed thus;
“According to some, we need* / don’t need* to strengthen / the right players aren’t available to strengthen* / should sign just anyone* / … etc……etc…….”
*delete as appropriate
Be sure to then add your own sarcastic comment at the end of the tweet, preferably with a hashtag for effect ( #deluded is a popular choice here ), just in case starting with “according to some…” isn’t bitchy enough for you.
There are also tweet templates available for the “oil money” debate for both sides, where you can either acknowledge the fact that certain clubs spend the sort of money that only certain other clubs can compete with, or just merely pass it off as “another excuse” or something….
Once you’ve grasped all this, you can consider yourself a certified member of Transfer Window Arsenal Twitter.
You can now make yourself a badge with the initials T.W.A.T. on it.
You could of course ignore all of this and form your own opinions and respect that others may disagree, given that by its very definition an opinion can be neither right nor wrong, but even then I think most of us would admit to being a TWAT on the odd occasion. I include myself in this, obviously.
Anyway, moving on……
One of the biggest pitfalls of the last few weeks of the transfer window are those at the forefront of the TWAT movement; namely the dreaded “ITK’s”, who seem to have excelled themselves this year (Rodney Marsh?! WTF?!!)
It should really be easier to ignore the transfer nonsense once the actual football season is underway, but I guess it’s made harder when the transfer nonsense is shoving its tits and arse in your face every five minutes.
Now, I really can’t be arsed to give these people the time of day, but there are a couple of golden rules that should stand you in good stead….
Firstly, anyone that calls themselves “Agent” something on twitter is a c..t, who knows nothing at all, never has, and never will.
Secondly, the more attention you give these people, the more of them will appear.
Laugh at them, mock them but never take them seriously. You’re basically giving attention to people who create rumours on the internet, or are bordering on completely mental. So there you have it. At the end of the day, we either will or won’t sign anyone, we will know for sure the second the window slams shut, Jim White explodes, and the Sky Sports studio looks like an explosion in a Yakult factory.
Until then, take it easy and remember…. We’re all TWAT’s; it’s how much of a TWAT you are that you have to worry about.
Up The Arsenal
Islington born and bred, Arsenal through and through. Supported the Gunners for all of my 46 years (so far!) through thick and thin.
Clickbait: Life as a Modern Football Fan – released 2019
Currently working on my next book – Over Land and Sea (and Lockdown), Arsenal 20/21 – A Diary of a Season – due for release Summer 2021.
I will back the club I have in my blood to the hilt and I don’t care what you think about that. UTA.
AGAINST MODERN FOOTBALL.