WORLD EXCLUSIVE – England caught in a Webb as Webb leaves England
Accountability for the PGMOL
Howard and Darren have been naughty. Let’s hope it’s just public naughtiness.
This will be the first you have heard of the accountability that has now been decided on for the PGMOL. As you will remember they claimed that VAR would make football better, yet we find out that it is worse.
There is a new organization in town. They are called TCOP or T-COP. They are not another rap group but a group of irrational fans that will now be handing out proper accountability to any and all at the PGMOL for their sins in regards to VAR.
T-COP (Ten Crimes of Punishment) will consist of me, Mike McDonald, and Rylan and Noah. Rylan is 8 years old and in third grade at the school I teach at. He qualifies as he races buggy’s on the weekend that go up to 100mph and he routinely beats adults. Nuts. Completely irrational behaviour for an 8 year old. Noah, also 8, comes into the gym each week and slaps me as hard as he can on the bum. I’m the fun teacher and Noah is irrational, out of control, yet very lovable so he gets the job.
The T-COP sat at an emergency T-COP meeting on Monday morning to decide on the ‘Ten Crimes.’ T-COP will now be flying from Knoxville airport to London to deliver accountability. Actually, we may come by buggy. Might as well die in style with an 8 year old driving.
Crime One: INFRACTION: Let’s start with punishing Howard Webb and the entire PGMOL, including all referees for bringing VAR into our lives. Football used to be so glorious back in 2019 when somebody scored and you could actually celebrate rather than half-celebrate. All members of PGMOL will be automatically punished for Crime One.
Crime One PUNISHMENT: The T-COP will be visiting the homes of all involved in VAR. We will station ourselves outside the front window of let’s say, Darren England’s house, and we will patiently wait for our moment. Much like VAR has spoilt the best moment in football, we will spoil the best moment in their week. The moment when Darren’s wife gives him the ‘nighttime wink’ and she slides across the couch to start the romance. The T-COP will then start incessantly banging on the window shouting phrases like, ‘Darren picked his nose and didn’t swallow it. It’s still in his mouth,’ or ‘ we saw Darren at Asda buying a nurses outfit for tonight and a stethoscope that squeaks.’ This should put her off.
Crime Two INFRACTION: Taking too long to decide. This includes the 10 seconds after those watching on TV have found out the VAR decision and somehow the ref still hasn’t been told.
Crime Two PUNISHMENT: We will be inducting more 8 year olds into T-COP. Enough to be at every PL stadium on matchday. One of my T-COP sidekicks will come out on to the field if the VAR decision takes longer than 15 seconds. The referee will then be given a chair to sit on. The T-COP representative will then give him 10 lashings across the face using uncooked bacon rashers. The crowd will be encouraged to ‘Ole’ after each slap. There will also be a rep at each VAR room. Whichever one of the 4 idiots was most responsible for the delay will be taken to the Town Square by buggy (at 100 mph), and given the same bacon treatment.
Crime Three INFRACTION: Going to the screen. There is absolutely no reason why you should have four people in the VAR booth. If they were competent then they would need one, only. There is also no reason for a competent VAR boothie to not be trusted to make the decision he is being paid to make.
Crime Three PUNISHMENT: Head Slapping. We are all familiar with the celebration where players slap the head of the player that has scored. Well, if the ‘going to the screen’ occurs then the boothie’s and the ref have to go to the training grounds of both teams that were made to wait. This will happen on the Monday morning. They will walk slowly through a tunnel of players who are allowed to head slap them as hard as they like.
Crime Four INFRACTION: Not drawing the lines parallel with the field markings.
Crime Four PUNISHMENT: All four of the boothie’s have to stand in the town square of the team that was done the injustice and hold hands. They have the option of singing lullabies to each other whilst gazing into each others eyes, being boo’d by passers by or having to repeatedly perform the dance from the ‘U can’t touch this’ video.
Crime Five INFRACTION: If they rule out a goal because you had an extra long beard hair, a cyst on your knee or a roman nose or similar nonsense.
Crime Five PUNISHMENT: I’d say many of these refs have other jobs too. The T-COP and the player who was punished will come to his work place and ensure he is fired if he arrives more than 11 seconds late for work. No arguments allowed. If you are offside by a cyst then no grace beyond 11 seconds.
Crime Six INFRACTION: The David Luiz/Diego Jota rule. VAR sending off a playing for running.
Crime Six PUNISHMENT: Much like a book signing. The boothie’s and referee and Howard Webb have to sit in the foyer of Greggs. Anyone purchasing a sausage roll gets 2 for the price of 1. They can use their extra sausage roll to stuff with force into any orifice of any of the 6 criminals. Like a book signing, there will likely be a long line because Greggs sell a lot of sausage rolls. Every once in a while one of the T-COP reps will shout’ back of the line’ and the person at the back of the line can stuff his sausage roll after gaining extra acceleration.
Crime Seven INFRACTION: Drawing the lines on the wrong defender.
Crime Seven PUNISHMENT: There is a custom in the USA that is normally saved for bachelor parties. When the bachelor gets suitably intoxicated, his friends draw lines all over his body with a permanent marker. Quite a fitting punishment for the boothie’s who clearly need to spend more time with lines.
Crime Eight INFRACTION: Not informing fans in the stadium of what on earth is going on.
Crime Eight PUNISHMENT: Dinner with Mike Dean.
Crime Nine INFRACTION: Not drawing the lines at all.
Crime Nine PUNISHMENT: The T-COP reps will spend one whole day following the boothie’s, referee and Howard Webb with a monitor on the side of their buggys. Every time they make a mistake, be it tripping over the pavement, stumbling over their words or simply forgetting to say ‘thank you’ when a door is opened for them a T-COP rep will run out of his buggy, frantically making a rectangle with his hands and punish them. Depending on the offence, the PGMOL member will have to eat a spoonful of semolina fresh from the school canteen. The worse the offence, the larger the spoon.
Crime Ten INFRACTION: Not paying attention to the game in the booth. This would of course never happen. Especially to Liverpool on Saturday. Not even knowing whether the referee has given a goal or not is somewhat ridiculous to believe it would ever happen, so the punishment is harsh. Beyond harsh.
Crime Ten PUNISHMENT: The other punishments are embarrassing or slightly painful. This punishment will tear your soul from your body and deny it the opportunity to find it’s heavenly home. The boothie responsible has to be stared at by this guy…..
They will only get stared at once. This is all it takes.
You will be glad to hear that the T-COP will be starting these accountabilities at the Emirates on Sunday. One of the members of T-COP is a Gooner, so I’m not sure if I would even turn up for this game if I was the ref or a boothie.
Clearly, I am the new ITK. Follow me. @Mike_mMcDonald
Former Highbury regular. Moved to TN, USA in ’99. Married with 3 kids. Coached in UK and US for 27 years.
Mike McDonald Soccer Academy in Morristown TN, Olympic Development coach, Regional Premier League Champion.
Get on with it. I wish I was 8 years old again.